BY BOB SMITH

The Bible, apparently, doesn’t discuss Easter in any detail. Or Christmas, for that matter. In fact, some believe the holiday is derived from a Pagan tradition that long predates Christ, and celebrates the spring equinox and gods or goddesses associated with that event (one of whom, apparently, was named “Eostre”). They say fertility symbols of eggs and rabbits (who reproduce like bunnies, because, duh, they are bunnies) are associated with Easter because of that pagan celebration of the renewal of life in the spring. And, of course, the Bible never mentions bunnies, baskets of chocolate, or hard-boiled colored eggs, either.

So who came first – the Christians or the eggs? Who knows. My problem is with the Easter Bunny, because for my kids, he (or she) killed Santa Claus. That’s right. There were three fictitious characters in our house: the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny, and the big kahuna – Santa Claus himself. Our kids never really believed in the tooth fairy, who had no persona at all. There was just money appearing under their pillows in place of an icky tooth they didn’t want anyway. It was an easy fiction for ready cash. But we invested a bit more in the other two characters.

We had told our kids all about Santa, and his rich, phony background: a home (North Pole), a cool vehicle (flying sleigh), and a demanding, high-profile career (running the most sophisticated, well-hidden, toy manufacturing/distribution operation on the planet). But the Easter Bunny? No home, and no vehicle of any kind. The Easter Bunny just hops around looking cute. Unlike Santa, the Easter Bunny doesn’t make anything – it merely distributes store-bought chocolate and jelly beans provided, presumably, by Mom and Dad. Santa had an amazing posse – flying reindeer and a legion of devoted elves. But the Easter Bunny’s peeps? Peeps. Chunks of marshmallow-ish fluff, coated with gritty pink sugar, that masquerades as candy.

Because it had such a thin cover story, our kids quickly dismissed the Easter Bunny as a myth. And it wasn’t long before that suspicion tainted and finally toppled Santa, too. Thanks for nothing, Easter Bunny.

Just keep that chocolate coming.