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The Write Side of 59

~ This is What Happens When You Begin to Age Out of Middle Age

The Write Side of 59

Monthly Archives: July 2013

No Matter How You Frame It …

19 Friday Jul 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Concepts

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Anniversary, Concepts, Julie Seyler, Lois DeSocio, middle age, The Write Side of 50

frames 001

Photo by Julie Seyler.

BY LOIS DESOCIO

… an anniversary is an anniversary. And worth noting, whether it be with a big bash, a gift, a clink of flutes, or simply – a few sentences.

The Write Side of 50 turns eight months old today. So, we thank you again – contributors, readers, commenters, “likers” (and “dislikers”). We started out with an empty frame; a periphery: “We’re getting old,” we said.

Let’s write about it. And paint it, and take pictures of it, and ruminate, and celebrate. And ask others to chime in. So, we hope that bit by bit, and month by month, we’re successfully painting, snapping, and chronicling an engaging, more-to-come narrative; a picture of middle-aged life.

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Memories of Worms, and “Gamma’s” Sauce, Bloom with My Apple Tree

18 Thursday Jul 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Food

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applesauce, Food, Margo D. Beller, The Write Side of 50

apple 3 margo

This is a banner year for my apple tree. All photos by Margo D. Beller.

BY MARGO D. BELLER

Every year, when I make apple sauce, I think of two people. The first is a former coworker whom, upon being given a pint of my sauce, said, “Remember, the only thing worse than biting into an apple, and finding a worm, is biting into an apple, and finding half a worm.”

apple 2 margo

There’s something in those apples.

He said this after I told him how I have to carefully peel and chop a lot of apples just to make a pint of sauce because I don’t spray my tree, and most of the apples have something in them I must remove.

I have the one tree. Some years, such as last year, it gives me few apples, and I must race outside to get them before the squirrels do. (Being sloppy eaters, what squirrels drop often draw deer, which leave their unique calling cards behind, in bulk, under the tree.)

apple 4 margo

Enough this year for applesauce.

But this year I have a lot of apples, and that means I am standing at the counter, peeling and chopping, and making a lot of sauce.

I also do a lot of thinking.

That’s why, besides that former coworker, I think of my Gamma – which is how I pronounced grandma when I was a toddler, and the name stuck.

Gamma was not the easiest woman to live with. She was the only daughter in a large family. She lost her mother when she was a teenager, and was expected to take care of her father and brothers. She refused. Her younger brothers never forgave her. She got married, had two children, and threw out her husband. Those children spent a lot more time with their aunts and uncles than with her.

And yet, somewhere along the line, my grandmother learned how to cook the traditional Yiddish foods. She made a wonderful tsimmis of sweet potatoes and carrots and other seasonings. She made a great kugel. She made chicken soup by boiling a chicken, and adding vegetables and little bits of dough known as knadlach. Her matzo balls were airy and light, without using seltzer.

For some reason I got along with her much better than her children, my sister or my cousins. When she came over, I couldn’t wait for her to cook. My parents and sister couldn’t be bothered, but I would ask how she made it. She wouldn’t tell me, most likely because she didn’t know. She just did what she always did, a bit of this and that, nothing written down.

She also made applesauce. My mother would bring us over to her house, and she served the delicious applesauce she had made. Unlike me, she would go to the store for her apples.
Sometimes the sauce was red; other times it was yellow.

Her recipes died with her. I should’ve watched what she did more carefully.

So I have had to find my own way, and try to duplicate what she did. I’ve yet to do it. However, the applesauce I make, as I think of her, comes close.

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My Former Tot, and His First Tattoo

17 Wednesday Jul 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

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Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Men, tattoos, The Write Side of 50

Bob tat

BY BOB SMITH

My older son, 28 years old, got his first tattoo the other day (I say “first” because he’s already talking about the next tattoo.) Now I’m going to sound old, but it’s true – it seems like only months ago he was a chubby, cheerful toddler. Now he’s grown up and tatted up.

His tattoo, he tells me, is the Smith coat of arms. That seems right – it pretty much coats his right arm from approximately mid-bicep to the shoulder. He assures me it’s designed to be fully obscured by a short sleeve shirt in the event he’s in a non-tat friendly crowd someday and wants to keep his ink to himself.

It features in the center a shield with three extended arms – one holding a vertical sword and the other two together grasping what appears to be a torch. At the top of the design, like the crest on a helmet, is yet another arm holding a sword perpendicular to the sword below. It looks as though the bearer of that second sword is buried in the intricate scrollwork and curlicues that adorn the top of the shield, and may be trying to hack his or her way out.

There’s also a banner across the bottom with the Latin words, “Tenebras expellit et hostes,” which means, “He expels the darkness and the enemy.” My son didn’t even like high school Italian, and completely skipped Latin, but now he proudly displays some of that dead language on his very living arm. Go figure.

But I must say that overall it’s an impressive piece of artwork. That’s particularly true considering that it took five painstaking (and pain-giving) hours to etch the lines into my son’s skin, with the artist having to continually wipe away blood and excess ink in order to see where the next line of color should be laid in. Bob Jr. is thrilled with it.

I’m less thrilled, but that has nothing to do with the quality of the tattoo. I think it’s a generational thing. When I was a kid, people with tattoos fell into three general categories: carnival gypsies in movies (think Anthony Quinn with dark makeup and a bandanna on his head), crusty Navy veterans sporting a Popeye-style forearm anchor with the name of some rusty old tub emblazoned on a banner below, or criminals. My earliest memory of prison tats is of the LOVE and HATE tattoos on Robert Mitchum’s fingers in the film “Night of the Hunter.” The tats were simple and crude, yet effective, and we were terrified of Robert Mitchum in that role.

Then there were the “naughty” tattoos: the mermaid inside a scallop shell, with wide saucy hips, folded scaly tail, and large breasts jutting proudly from her chest amidst a cascade of wavy hair. The breasts could be confirmed to be anatomically correct, or not, depending on the placement of the locks of hair. Or the religious tattoos: a pulsing red heart encircled by a crown of thorns, and an inscription such as, “Dear Jesus” across the front. This design also came with an optional vertical dagger through the heart. In that iteration, this tattoo bore the inscription, “Born to Die.” Or sometimes, with roses substitued for the thorns, the heart said, “Mom.”

And then there were the super-religious tattoos where the person’s entire back was covered with an image of Jesus in the repose of death, as if the tattooee had lain on the shroud of Turin, and the image transferred to his back like a newspaper photo onto a piece of Silly Putty. People with this kind of giant mural tattoo seemed to also go for the “narrative” tattoos: pictures that twirl around their arms, torso, and/or legs, and depict the story of the Old Testament, World War I, or the entire Star Wars series – pick your epic tale.

And it was unheard of for women to get tattoos at all.

In part because of the unsavory reputation of tattoos we saw on the older generation, it seems that baby boomers as a whole never really jumped on the tattoo bandwagon. My son’s generation, however, is different. Girls and guys alike get all sorts of tattoos, large and small, to make a permanent fashion or other statement on the canvas of their own bodies. It’s hip and totally acceptable, and I have no problem with it – as long as you don’t try to stencil a picture onto me with a zillion stabs of an ink-covered needle.

Still, I can’t help but wonder if the trend will skip generations again. When my children and their friends start to have babies, will those kids growing up look at the “older” generation (our kids) and generally shun the idea simply because it’s too status quo?

I can hear them taunting their parents now:
“Tattoos? That’s so millennial. So yesterday. Get with it, Dad.”

Enjoy the tats, kids, but don’t count on passing on a tradition.

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Richard Burton, and His Diaries, Found an Entry to My Heart

16 Tuesday Jul 2013

Posted by WS50 in Concepts

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Concepts, Julie Seyler, Richard Burton, The Write Side of 50

ode to rb 5

BY JULIE SEYLER

Frank recommended the biography of Abraham Lincoln as summer reading fare because of Abe’s nobility of spirit. I am recommending Richard Burton because of his spirit of noble passion. Frank and I both want to escape the pedestrian pettiness of present-day politics – not to mention the horror show of news from the Middle East – but we travel different routes. While I, too, am a devoted admirer of Abe, my mood right now screams out for light, sexy, fun, acerbic. Richard Burtons’s diaries are perfect.

Who doesn’t love Richard Burton in Virginia Woolf? Cleopatra? The Night of the Iguana? And The Spy who Came in from the Cold?

He is a great actor, but his uncensored recordations between 1940 when he is 15, and 1983 when he is 57, reveal a brilliant, compassionate, caustic, humble, and at times hysterically witty, observer of foibles – his own as well as those of the rich and famous he partied and worked with. I dread finishing the book because I have become so attached to him. I am going to mourn his death of long ago.

But he lives on in the computer. I can listen to him recite the poetry of Dylan Thomas, and watch him and Julie Andrews singing “Camelot” on the Ed Sullivan show from 43 years ago. These days, I invariably call Steve “Richard,” and I, of course am Liz. Ha Ha! I am boring everyone with my Dickie anecdotes. This is especially wearing on people who cannot abide celebrity worship. But I nay-say them. He is beyond stimulating, insightful and erudite. He critiques the zillions of books he is always reading. He expostulates on the political scene, and never refrains from dissecting the uglier parts of his own personality.

His public persona may be linked to booze and ultra-luxe, but his day-to-day musings are riddled with the concerns, joys and worries that are familiar to anyone on the right side of 50. The diaries are a hugely readable, not People-magazinable, peek into the privileges of astounding wealth while, at the same time, offering up a portrait of a middle-aged man beset with the fears, pleasures, and anxieties that are common to all of us.

He fetters over having to work to make money:

March 26, 1966. I worry enormously about the fact that we have no money. I worry that I will not be able to look after my wife and my children after I’m dead.

He frets over the welfare of his children:

November 1, 1969. We are having desperate trouble with Michael. We do our damndest to help him but it is impossible…However we will do our best and love him a lot and have patience with him…

And he is riddled with arthritis:

July 30, 1971. Missed yesterday as I have a gouty or arthritic left wrist, exquisitely uncomfortable.

The next day:

I was so uncomfortable last night that in bed the slightest movement made me groan as if demented. Elizabeth says I am the world’s champion ‘conyn’ whicb is Welsh for moaning hypochondriac.
He loved eating at the best French restaurants, and the simplest Italian trattorias. He fantasizes about retirement. In some ways, he is just like you and me – until you come upon an entry such as this one, where he recounts how Elizabeth acquired the Cartier diamond. On October 2, 1969 they visited a hospital in Geneva where they had donated money to build a paraplegics ward (Richard’s brother Ivor was a paraplegic):

Somewhere between the hospital and dinner brooding set in. Between long silences deadly insults were hurled about. At one point E. knowing I was in a state of nastiness, said to me at the lousy Italian restaurant we went to: Come on Richard, hold my hand. Me: I do not wish to touch your hands. They are large and ugly and red and masculine. Or words to that effect. After that my mind was like a malignant cancer-I was incurable. I either remained stupidly silent or, if I did speak, managed an insult a second. What the hell’s the matter with me? I love milady more than my life…Why do I hurt (her) so much and spoil the day?

The next day:

I am very contrite this morning but one of these days it’s going to be too late cock, too late. E. has just said that I really must get her the 69 carat ring to make her big ugly hands look smaller and less ugly. Nobody turns insults to her advantage more swiftly or more cleverly than Lady Elizabeth. The insult last night is going to cost me. Betcha!

Next time I am asked, “Who would you invite to your next dinner party?” I would reply, Richard Jenkins, a Welsh miner’s son, aka Richard Burton.

ode to rb 6

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A Hail to the Chiefs: Lincoln Among Presidents Who Served in Their 50s

15 Monday Jul 2013

Posted by WS50 in Concepts, Men

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Abraham Lincoln, Concepts, Frank Terranella, Men, Presidents, The Write Side of 50

P1170371There’s a Lot Right about Being in Your 50s. By Julie Seyler.

BY FRANK TERRANELLA

It’s summer reading time, and this year my summer reading includes Doris Kearns Goodwin’s 2005 biography of Abraham Lincoln called, “Team of Rivals.” It’s all about how Lincoln stocked his administration with men who were his rivals for the Republican presidential nomination in 1860. It’s extremely detailed with lots of great material about Lincoln’s life and, more importantly, a glimpse into his mindset. A small part of it was the basis for the Spielberg film, “Lincoln” where the 16th president was portrayed by Daniel Day-Lewis.

This year, we’re commemorating the 150th anniversary of Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. Lincoln was 54 when he delivered it. Less than two years later, he would be dead. So the Great Emancipator never made it out of his 50s. His entire presidency ran from less than a month after his 52nd birthday to a couple of months after his 56th birthday. It’s a bit unsettling to think that I have already lived longer than Lincoln ever did.

I have done some research and found that Lincoln was not unusual in being in his 50s while president. According to Wikipedia, the median age when our U.S. presidents took office is 54 years and 11 months. Most of our presidents served at least part of their term while in their 50s. The list of presidents who served their entire term while in their 50s includes (in addition to Lincoln), Martin Van Buren, John Tyler, Millard Fillmore, Rutherford B. Hayes, Chester Arthur, Benjamin Harrison, William McKinley, William Taft, Warren Harding, Calvin Coolidge, Herbert Hoover, Jimmy Carter and George W. Bush.

What I glean from this is that our society feels that people in their 50s can be trusted with the reins of government. They have enough experience through more than a half-century of living so that their judgment is sound, and yet they are not so old that they no longer have the energy to do the job. Looked at this way, being in your 50s is the sweet spot in life. You’re at the precipice of ability. Oh sure, there’s a long slope to senility ahead. But for now, for many in their 50s, it’s the top of the world.

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The Saturday Blog: Dancing

13 Saturday Jul 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Art

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Art, Carmen Miranda, Dancing, Orchids, The Write Side of 50

Carmen Miranda Orchids

Carmen Miranda Orchids. By Julie Seyler.

What do you get when you combine an orchid, Julie’s incredible eye, and a love of dancing (with a fruit hat on)? Carmen Miranda, of course.

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A “Bennie” Now Comes, Instead of Goes, Home

12 Friday Jul 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Men, The Write Side of 50

The Bennies are here. Photocollage by Julie Seyler.

The Bennies are here. Photocollage by Julie Seyler.

BY BOB SMITH

My wife and I are about to move into our house at the Jersey Shore on a full-time basis. We bought it 23 years ago, and during that time we’ve expanded it from a single story unheated shack with two bedrooms and one bath to a year-round house with three floors, five bedrooms, four baths, and a garage apartment in back. We like our space.

Despite our ever-expanding beach house, however, we’ve only spent weekends and summer vacation weeks there. Our primary home for 28 years has been in Nutley. So, in other words, until now, we’ve been what the locals call bennies – tourists who visit the area only during the summer season.

I thought benny (or bennie), referred to the fact that seasonal visitors are only interested in taking advantage of the “benefits” of the shore during the warm weather. Others say it’s short for “benefactors” because these perennial tourists collectively spend so much money in Jersey Shore towns. Another theory, according to Wikipedia, is it’s an acronym derived from the fact that most such tourists come from in or around Bayonne, Elizabeth, Newark, and New York.

Since Nutley is a suburb of Newark, that makes us bennies.

We haven’t even moved in yet, but lately we’ve been spending a lot more time in Bradley Beach, and suddenly I realize why locals historically hate the bennies. For instance, in April and May there was always a parking space in the street right in front of my house. If I had to make a quick run to the supermarket, I could hop in my car, and make the mile and a half drive in three minutes flat. No problem.

No more. After the unofficial kickoff of the season on Memorial Day, weekend parking spaces on the street (at least on sunny weekends) are nonexistent. That’s really not a problem for us, because we’re fortunate enough to have a driveway. But pulling out is a total crapshoot. Because the bennies‘ cars are parked bumper to bumper without a millimeter to spare right up to both edges of our driveway, it’s impossible to see oncoming traffic as you pull out. To get any sight line down the street, you have to extend the front (or back) of your car past the parked cars, directly into the lane of travel.

Twice last weekend, as I inched out of my driveway, I had to jam on the brakes to avoid being slammed by benny-full vehicles barreling down the street without a clue or a care in the world. They didn’t even beep – just swerved and kept rolling. Both had New York plates.

At the supermarket on Saturday morning I was sixth in line at the checkout counter, and each customer ahead of me wore a Yankees cap, or a sleeveless t-shirt with loud boxer bathing trunks, or sneakers with black socks, or all of the above. Their carts were full of chips, cold cuts, salsa, and soda. Bennies, all.

We went out to dinner, and had to wait an hour for a table at a restaurant that in May had been begging for our business. A stop at the ice cream shop for dessert afterwards featured squalling babies, squabbling siblings, and their weary sunburned parents hoping to anesthetize the kids with fat and sugar for the long ride home. Bennies, again.

There’s no doubt that the Jersey Shore is a great place to be during the summer. But during the off season, when it’s unclogged by bennies, it’s a virtual paradise. Once you spend even a portion of the off-season at the Jersey Shore, you get spoiled by the convenience of unfettered access to parking, shopping, restaurants, movies, and more.

When I was a benny, I scoffed at the locals’ proprietary attitude toward their parking spaces, and dismissed as selfish their sense of entitlement to immediate service at restaurants and retail stores. Come on, I thought – people like us are pumping cash by the millions into your local economy! You should be thankful, not scornful, that I’m here at all.

Now that I’m becoming a local, however, I’ve wised up. The bennies are only fair-weather friends, here to enjoy the amenities while the sun shines. But the locals – now me – are here for the long haul, through the rain, wind, snow, ice and whatever other nasty weather nature may throw our way during the long off-season. For that, I’m entitled to my own parking space.

But only until the end of May.

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Friends with Food is a Recipe for Fun

11 Thursday Jul 2013

Posted by WS50 in Food

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Food, Girlfriends, Julie Seyler, The Write Side of 50

Talk, drink, eat. Photocollage by Julie Seyler.

Talk, drink, eat. Repeat. Photocollage by Julie Seyler.

BY JULIE SEYLER

Food and friendship are entwined like the DNA double-helix. Getting together with a girlfriend for a night out of schmoozing and sharing a bottle of wine translates into comfort mileage for days. It’s really not about the food as much as figuring out a date that will work, finding the restaurant with the perfect blend of atmosphere, charm, and price points. It’s ordering up the pre-meal cocktails, and tucking into a good conversation. And everything is up for discussion – from the sublime to the ridiculous to the usual musings. And sometimes, those shocking discoveries that seem to pop up these middle-aged days. It’s about hanging with a buddy that never gets tired of the rehash.

It’s about renewal and reconnection and breaking the strong arm of the quotidian.

It’s so not about gender. Or age. And it’s so time to make a date.

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Me, My Bike, and a Pedal from Park to Park

10 Wednesday Jul 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Travel

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Tags

Cycle America, cycling, The Write Side of 50, Travel, Vicki LaBella

vicki head

BY VICKI LABELLA

We’ll be “hitting the road” across America, with our new contributor, Vicki LaBella. She’s a 56-year-old avid cyclist from the Jersey Shore, who has racked up thousands of miles on two wheels. She’s conquered a coast to coast, has traversed the ups and downs of hills, highways, the back roads of America, and village streets in Europe. This year, it’s a two-month trek to our nation’s national parks.

I’m fortunate to be working again with Cycle America, a supported cycling concern, this summer as we prepare to embark on our tours of the national parks. cycle america 2 We’ll begin our journey in Whitefish, Mont. on July 14, and will end in San Francisco, Ca. on September 8th. I’m currently in Cannon Falls, Minn., helping with the organization, and the multitude of preparations for the pending tour. The adage,”the devils in the details,” has never been proved more accurate than during this process.There are more items, details and minutia than I will bore you with, but believe me, each must not be forgotten nor scrimped on, or the consequences will come to light down the road.license plate - vivki blog

It’s my second year with Cycle America as a staff member. Last year’s tour was a cross-country trek that began in Seattle, Wash., and ended in Gloucester, Mass. The staff consisted of 12 of us, from literally all parts of the world. This year, there are six staff members. Of the six, five are veteran staffers, who come from New Zealand,Texas, New York, New Mexico, New Jersey, and Colorado. The riders also come from all over the world. Last year’s cross-country trip had cyclists come from Norway, England, Canada, Israel, Australia, Netherlands, France – just to name a few. The length of time we spend together, and the diversity of the riders, makes for an interesting and memorable time. Even though there are patches of extreme exhaustion and resultant grumpiness, the fun and privilege of being a part of this unique experience far outweigh the negative periods.

The main priority of the staff, along with our daily duties, is to ensure that each cyclist is happy (as happy as one can be while cycling some challenging climbs and enduring extreme high heat), and their needs are met. Those needs can be as simple as providing soy milk at each meal for the vegans amongst us, or as extreme as driving a rider’s car along the route so they will have their vehicle at the ride’s end. Each day presents a new set of circumstances for the riders and, subsequently, the staff. We must remain diligent and mindful of the riders’ physical, mental and emotional conditions.

One of the most satisfying things for me is to watch the cyclists bond with one another, and become stronger riders along the way. It never fails that there are a handful of cyclists who struggle at the beginning and, by the ride’s end, are solid, sound riders. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is more moving than witnessing the end of each ride when the cyclists are proud (with good reason), and elated to have completed the ride, even though there were times when the cycling was daunting, and the outcome looked bleak. The sense of accomplishment is immense, and one that stays forever. It’s a job well done. New friends are made along the way. We discover what we’re really capable of, and just how much grit we each possess. God, I love cycling, and am grateful to be a part of the cycling world.

Once our ride officially begins, I’ll be sharing some of the high times, and some of those dark days with you. Until then, why not get on your bikes and pedal, pedal, pedal? Please though, unlike when Lois was young, do wear your helmets and shoes (or sandals)!! There’s nothing better to cure whatever may be emotionally or mentally ailing you. Trust me.

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The Tagline: Keep it Simple, S*****

09 Tuesday Jul 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Concepts

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Concepts, Julie Seyler, Lois DeSocio, The Write Side of 50

cloud mountains from prop plane back to GC

Let’s be clear.

BY LOIS DESOCIO

From its birth, Julie and I wanted “The Write Side of 50” to be a forum for us 50-somethings to figure out, through our words and our art, how to navigate and shed some light on all the “stuff” that comes with being on the side of 50 that is closer to 60.

That we, “An Artist and a Journalist,” would “Demystify, Debunk and Debate the Myths Around Being in Your 50s.”

Well, eight months in, we agree that while there has been some “debate:”

“Before the Oil,There Was an Olive”
“An E-mail Ode (And Reply) to the Oyster Pearl.”

And a few (kinda) “debunks:”

“Men in Mid-Life: Puberty Revisited? Or a Time to Grow Up?”
“I Don’t Man-up for the Super Bowl.”

What the heck have we “demystified?” And what, exactly, does that mean?

One of the hardest things to write is a tagline. To compose a catchphrase that’s smart, succinct, and short. A sentence that tells you who we are, and why we’re here.

We think we overdid it the first time around. We think we might have confused some of our readers, and we, ourselves, have been collectively cringing, every day, when we log on, and that sentence is the first thing we see.

It takes a year or more for a blog to find its voice, and we 50-year-olds are not to be contained and imprisoned by a sentence. We never run out of ideas. We have the gift of perspective, the realization that we’re halfway done, and the wisdom to make the best of what’s left. (And as Bob so honestly wrote – we also know that we could drop dead any day now.)

So, it’s time to unshackle ourselves from those three Ds, and better reflect the voice that has evolved all on its own over the last eight months. We want a tagline that’s looser, less cryptic and not wordy. (And no more alliteration, please!) So let’s just say it:

“This is What Happens When You Hit the Right Side of Middle Age.”

Stay tuned. We are blowing open our vault, and bringing on some inspiring new contributors. Anything goes.

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The Write Side of 50

The Write Side of 50

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