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The Write Side of 59

~ This is What Happens When You Begin to Age Out of Middle Age

The Write Side of 59

Category Archives: Concepts

MH and Me: Love Birds

20 Wednesday Feb 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Concepts

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Tags

Bird Feeders, Bird Watching, Birds, Margo D. Beller, The Write Side of 50

Birds flying over the Nile River, Egypt. December, 2009. Photo by Julie Seyler.

BY MARGO D. BELLER

Ever since my husband (MH), and I moved to our home and got a feeder for a housewarming present, I have been watching birds at my feeders and chasing them around fields, forests and seashores for over 10 years now.

The number of feeders has only increased with my desire to see more birds, which in turn, has led me to try and see even more farther afield.

There are many reasons I enjoy doing this. I like a challenge, particularly one that gets me out of the house and into the wood. I’m forced to sharpen my wits, use my eyes and remember many things, including field marks and songs. It gets me enjoyable exercise, walking long distances in new areas to at some very pretty (and sometimes not-so-pretty, birds), and it gets me away from the barking dogs and the noisy neighbors with their tech-savvy kids, who think I’m a strange old lady in this suburban neighborhood for going out in deep snow to shovel a path to the bird feeders.

MH also enjoys watching the feeder birds and going out with me to see what he can see, although he isn’t as gung-ho about rising at early hours and driving long distances. Our different ways of looking at things shape how we go birding.

I have a camera with a longish lens, and if we are in a place far from home that we don’t get to very often, I’ll take pictures to help me remember the scene. If there are birds I can photograph, so much the better. But generally, I rely on my binoculars for identification.

MH has binoculars and a smaller point-and-shoot camera – much more sophisticated than the old Kodaks we had as kids. When we go out I find something, call it out, and he’ll take many pictures from many angles, hoping at least one or two will come out good. (It helps these cameras make it easy to delete the bad shots without wasting film or photo paper.)

Another difference: Say I’m out in the field and I hear something I’ve never heard before. I will stand and wait and wait until I see what called. I’ll note the size, the color, where I am (habitat, state), note any field marks, then come home to start digging through the many field guides I’ve bought to identify it. If that doesn’t work, I go through my CDs of bird calls.

MH has a more scientific bent. He will look, too, and tell me what field marks he sees. He leaves the identifying to me, but once identified, he’ll go to a bookshelf and pull out a historical reference to learn when was the last time that bird was regularly seen in a particular area.

Together we make a good team, and that has become one of the best things about our interest in birding, spending time together and adding memories. We may not have children together but we do have the birds.

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Men in Midlife: Puberty Revisited? Or a Time to Grow Up?

12 Tuesday Feb 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Concepts, Men

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Concepts, Frank Terranella, Jimmy Carter, Midlife Crises, The Write Side of 50, When Harry Met Sally

men will be boys

Men will be boys. Photos by Julie Seyler

BY FRANK TERRANELLA

We’ve all heard of the midlife crisis. And if you’re in your 50s, and you haven’t had yours yet, you’re overdue. Anyway, I think that women and men have different midlife crises. For men, it usually comes with the first scent of old age. You know, the sudden inability to remember names, movie titles and even words. Or if the guy is an athlete, it’s the demonstrated failure of his body to do what it used to do. Whatever the trigger, the response is usually the same: In a vain attempt to regain their youth, men revert to behavior they abandoned in their mid-20s. They get drunk, they gamble, they buy expensive toys, and they fool around with women who are not their wives. Not everyone does all of these, but just about everyone has the inclination.

When 50-something married men begin to act like they’re single, this can be disconcerting to their wives, to say the least. But it truly has nothing to do with the wives. The inclinations don’t only hit men in bad, or tired, marriages. I think they’re primal and hard-wired into men’s brains.

You can dress them up but you can't take them out

Men and their games.

What separates the gentlemen from the cads is the response each man has to this inclination. Some men give in and go off for the full ride, including bedding younger women. Divorce soon ensues, and I have actually heard these men brag that, “I traded up from the 1955 model to the 1977 model.” Other men, in the immortal wisdom of President Jimmy Carter, have lust in their hearts. I will confess to being in this group.

As I get older, I have found that intimacy is what’s really important, not just orgasms. There’s nothing wrong with orgasms, it’s just that both men and women can, and do, have them without any intimacy with their partner. This is ultimately very lonely and unfulfilling. So in recent years, I have sought out intimate, non-sexual relationships with a number of women friends. This is something that women do easily without thinking about it. Women tell their women friends intimate details of their lives freely, and it’s no big deal. For men – it’s a big deal.

In the film “When Harry Met Sally,” Billy Crystal’s character is a young man who opines that men and women can never be friends because sex always gets in the way. By that he means that he believes that a guy can’t look at a woman without thinking about getting naked and having sex with her. My experience is that it’s much easier to have an intimate friendship with women in my 50s than it was in my 20s. And that’s a good thing.

My wife has been incredibly understanding as I have begun to have long meals with old girlfriends, work colleagues and a variety of other amazing women. While the conversations have at times been intimate, they have never been orgasmic. I have been proving Billy Crystal wrong for a decade.

In many ways, I think it takes until he’s in his 50s for a man to grow up. The midlife crisis is like a second puberty. The trick is to get through it without making a fool of yourself. And as we all know, there’s no fool like an old fool.

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Born to Ride: Is My Love for the Two-Seater Convertible Genetically Driven?

11 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by WS50 in Concepts

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Cars., Concepts, Genetics, Julie Seyler, The Write Side of 50, Two-seater convertibles

In Dad's MG, circa 1960.

In Dad’s MG, circa 1960.

BY JULIE SEYLER

Cars have been on my mind lately. It started because I saw an article in the Sunday Times a couple of weeks ago about a car auction. But it wasn’t any old car auction. This one featured autos with provenance – like a purple 1919 Pierce-Arrow, owned by the silent film star, Fatty Arbuckle, and a 1941 Packard, owned by the ice-skating actress, Sonja Henie. These cars were gorgeous.

Then I was talking to a friend of mine, who was in the middle of multiple car transactions, like selling two cars (including a beloved sports car), and simultaneously buying a new, used, practical car. He was doing everything over eBay. It was natural for our conversation to segue from cars we “loved” to cars we “hated.”  We ended the conversation with the conclusion that everybody has an opinion about cars, even if their opinion is, “no opinion.”

It’s true. I know people who only want to be behind the wheel of an automobile that makes them “feel like they are driving a living room couch,” and others who are passionate about their hybrids (especially the gas-to-mile ratio), and some who just love the majestic height afforded by an SUV. Me? I have always cottoned to small cars with convertible tops.

After all these car musings, I started pondering whether one’s car preferences has anything to do with one’s past? Most people would probably say their car decisions are purely arbitrary, or simply pragmatic, but I am sure there is a Proustian component to my predilection for two-seater convertibles.

Fifty years ago, when I was a kid (just saying that phrase, “50 years ago,” cracks me up – can those words actually be coming from my mouth as an accurate statement of fact), I did pop about in an MGTD. My father, a true-blue sports car devotee, would squeeze me and my sister, and our two Chatty Cathy dolls, into the trundle seat of his MG, and off we’d go up the Garden State Parkway, through the Holland Tunnel and over the Brooklyn Bridge to visit my grandparents. The top would be down, of course, and the wind would fly through our hair. I can’t imagine anyone with a four year old and a six year old contemplating a journey like that today. We live in a world where car seat safety dominates.

In any case, perhaps it is because of those early road trip memories that I love two-seater convertibles. The wind in my hair never gets old. So, while I was reminiscing about the “old” days, I asked my dad what other cars he owned. He replied:

We had a few MGTDs 1950s; also MGA 1960; also MGB 1962; Corvettes – three of them, 1964s. When you were a baby in Fort Lee, we had a ’52 Morris Minor. Grandma made a convertible top for it. I forgot to mention our 55 T-Bird convertible with the hard top.

They were all small, two-seater, convertibles, except maybe the Morris Minor. Not sure if he, too, loves the wind in his hair, but the car genes were passed down.

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Blogs We Like

28 Monday Jan 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Art, Concepts, Food, Men, News, Opinion, Travel

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Almost 60? Really?, Annalena's Kitchen, Anthony Buccino, Art, Barbara Rachko, Blogs, BOOM! By Cindy Joseph, Booming, boomspeak, Concepts, Every Day is a Holiday, Food, Huff/Post 50, Lois DeSocio, Men, News, Opinions, Sparsely Sage and Timley, Stilettos in Snow, The Feisty Side of 50, The Five O'Clock Cocktail, The Write Side of 50, Travel

BLOGS WE LIKE Photo

By Julie Seyler.

BY LOIS DESOCIO

According to the most recent stats, there are 156 million blogs, and counting, on the Internet. A good chunk of the pile seems to be geared to us baby boomers. Apparently, we like to read, talk, and write about ourselves. Here are some age-appropriate (and a couple not), that are worth mentioning:

The big guys, Booming from The New York Times and Huffington Post’s Huff/Post50, will give you news, commentary, debate, celebrity bloggers – basically all the good, the bad and the ugly that comes with the “middle ages.”

There’s gutsy girls:

A read of The Feisty Side of 50, BOOM! By Cindy Joseph, and Almost 60? Really?, will help us women feel good being gray, and naked; make us want to climb the biggest mountain out there, and then maybe kick up our heels at the summit, and scream “Yay Menopause!;” and then come down to earth – in that order.

Wordly men:

Award-winning writer, and our new contributor, Anthony Buccino, writes about history, travel, even N.J. Transit. And there’s David V. Mitchell’s, Sparsely Sage and Timley, a West Coast, post-boomer blogger, who had us with his title.

A cool spot for a little bit of everything, including some tech advice, is boomspeak.

There are others that we like because, even though the bloggers are over 50, they manage to write about something else. Annalena’s Kitchen has everything to do with the fun, the passion and the science behind food. Blogger Norman Hanson, is “just an over the hill gay guy who likes to cook.” And no doubt you’ve noticed that we tend to be madly appreciative of the visual image and the craft that comes with being a highly-skilled artist. Barbara Rachko’s barbararachkoscoloreddust delivers.

No 50-year-old bloggers in sight on The Five O’Clock Cocktail, but it is right on time with us.

And Stilettos Stuck in Snow (full disclosure – we know her mother), and Everyday is a Holiday must be mentioned, because although these bloggers are nowhere near 50, they’ve managed to produce some visually appealing, artsy, fashion-focused blogs. It’s important for us boomers to remember it’s not all about us, and they offer us a fun way to check in and keep up the with the times.

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Eating Early is for the Birds. But a 5 O’Clock Cocktail is Special

25 Friday Jan 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Concepts, Confessional

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Tags

Concepts, confessional, early bird special, happy hour 5 o'clock, Lois DeSocio, The Write Side of 50

martinis at Rolf's-3

It’s 5 o’clock stemware! Photo by Julie Seyler.

BY LOIS DESOCIO

I’m noticing among my fellow “fifties,” as our families morph into new patterns, that 5 o’clock is our happy hour; our Early Bird Special. There seems to be an unspoken, and early-onset vibe at my local bar: times are tough, the world is messy – let’s share a drink. Let’s go early. We don’t even have to know each other’s names.

I’ve always enjoyed drinking early. These days, I’ve found, I’ve comfortably fit into a new pattern of pushing the workday back, sliding the mealtimes forward, so I can slip into the sip about two hours after my last meal. I work at home for the most part. I get up at 5, have breakfast by 11, lunch around 3:30, (my dinner is often at the eleventh hour), and I don’t need bells nor whistles to herald: it’s 5 o’clock, who wants to go out for a drink?

There’s something about that first sip. The palette is primed. The lips greet the glass with precognitive delight (that premiere swig always delivers), and all the day’s duties are backstroking, thanks to the clink, the sip, the swallow. And at 5 o’clock, chances are the pressures of the day are still whooshing within. This timely trek down to your local tavern goes hand-in-hand with no pressure. No pressure to hurry, no pressure to move. No pressure to have more than one. And it’s early enough to get a seat at the bar (even the much-desired corner).

It’s different from going out to dinner – which has a turnover timetable as restaurants limit your time at the table. It’s different from the cocktail before dinner – which is also on a schedule. Often, that cocktail takes a back seat once the food comes. And often, the food comes too early. I don’t appreciate my half-sipped martini being usurped by a salad. (My dirty martini comes with its own olive salad, thank you.)

I’ve always bucked the pre-50 credo that labels early as un-cool. I’m damned with being both a morning person, and a night owl. I’ve always liked to start early, but have suffered through years of cajoling and prodding to get anyone to join me before 8 or 9. And I don’t like drinking alone, and since I’m pretty much living alone these days, I prefer not to drink at home. So this new fraternity of imbibing is working for me.

And 5 o’clock as a bellwether is nothing new. Factory laborers toiled away until the 5 o’clock whistle, it’s been prime time for Wall Streeters to work the room, and of course, there’s the Flintstones. And for the less-secure among us that need to justify, there’s the overused excuse, “it’s five o’clock somewhere.“

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My Left Side (of 50)

22 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by WS50 in Concepts

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Asbury Park, Concepts, Julie Seyler, The Write Side of 50, USPTO, Yellowstone National Park

How many lives have we lived?

How many lives have we lived? By Julie Seyler

BY JULIE SEYLER

It’s funny how unaware we are when we start our life journey. There are dreams and hopes and disappointments, and when scanned from the perch of the right side of 50, it can be fascinating to see how many different lives we have experienced by the time we get to this one. And certainly, the annual issuance of W-2 forms makes one contemplate how many jobs we have held.

So when I look back, it was 43 years ago (ye gads) when I got my first job. I was 14, the age when you could get your working papers in New Jersey. My parents insisted that I start earning a living, or at least stop relying on them for my allowance.

a bad photo of the AP Boardwalk looking north from Ocean Ave.

Asbury Park Boardwalk, circa ’70s, looking north from Ocean Ave.

It’s long long gone, but there was a miniscule “restaurant,” if I can even call it that, on the south end of the Asbury Park boardwalk by the Casino called the Maxwell House Coffee Shop. All we served was homemade cinnamon donuts, homemade plain donuts and Maxwell House coffee. We opened at 7 a.m., and closed at 3 p.m. I could, and did, eat all the donuts I wanted. Every morning, and throughout the day, a batch of dough would be whipped up into a thick creamy mass, pushed through a machine, and dropped into a vat of hot oil to be quickly fried and as quickly removed. They were delicious. Dunkin Donuts is a facsimile of the real thing I stuffed my face with for two summers in a row.

Me in waitress outfit for Michael's

Me in waitress outfit for Michael’s

I graduated to other boardwalk joints – 1970s landmarks like the Casino Coffee Shop, Howard Johnson’s (loved the clam strips), and Michael’s Seafood Restaurant. I hate to admit it, but I became a really good waitress. I juggled five, stacked dishes at a time, served them without a crash,  promptly cleared them when everyone finished, and then handed over the check five minutes later. It was all about turnover.

Continue reading →

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It All Started with a Refused Statin

11 Friday Jan 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Concepts

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Cholesterol, Concepts, Health, Heart disease, High-density lipoprotein, Lois DeSocio, Low-density lipoprotein, New York Times, Physician, The Write Side of 50

lipitor

Phooey!

BY LOIS DESOCIO

At my latest annual physical a few weeks ago, my doctor asked me who my cardiologist was. Cardiologist? I’m way too young for a cardiologist. Cardiologists are for old people with heart disease. She sighed. She shook her head in disgust. She was surprised I wasn’t dead yet.

“Your cholesterol is sky-high,” she said. (She said the same thing two years ago, and I’m still here.) “What do I have to do to get you to swallow that pill!”

That pill is Lipitor (apparently everyone is doing it), which she had prescribed for me two years ago, which I filled, and left sitting, unopened and expired on my dresser. As much as Julie will grasp every word her doctors and friends dole out, and will act accordingly, I rebuff. My quest becomes: “Phooey! I will prove you wrong.” I say no to drugs. And I eat a lot of spinach.

Continue reading →

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The Saturday Blog: Ice

05 Saturday Jan 2013

Posted by WS50 in Concepts

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Concepts, Ice, Saturday Blog, The Write Side of 50, winter

As we approach the epicenter of winter – snow, ice and bitter chills – we find the ice part particularly intriguing. It freezes, and then breaks apart as the temperature changes. This process creates movement and sound. It’s fascinating to watch – like a waltz.

ICE – Computer

ICE – Computer

 

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December 26: The Day After

26 Wednesday Dec 2012

Posted by WS50 in Concepts

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Concepts, December 26, Julie Seyler, The Write Side of 50

Relaxation elevated to an artP1120788

BY JULIE SEYLER

Yesterday was Christmas. New Year’s Eve is next Monday. So today, December 26, is traditionally all about hanging around or hitting sales – depending on your preference.  In terms of the general zeitgeist, hanging around seems the rarer option, and grabbing a better bargain at the end-of-the-year sale a constant winner. But I don’t understand why anyone rushes out for a sale anymore. I assume everyone gets the same barrage of e-mail alerts every day announcing the “Last-minute-best-deal ever!” (The identical e-mail offer often comes the next day. And the next.)  We live in a world of permanent sales and deals.

In any case, I won’t be shopping because I have to work. But even if I didn’t, I would not be in a store. These days I do anything to avoid a shopping experience. I wonder if that’s an age-related thing.  When I was under 50, it used to be the exact opposite.

I love post-holiday days at work. Businesses are closed, and people are on vacation. It is an absolute pleasure to sit in my office and get lots of things done. Everyone is relaxed. Frenzy is on hold until 2013, when everybody sheepishly slinks back in.

And for me, today is the day before my boyfriend Steve’s birthday. He gave himself a well-deserved early birthday present: a two-day trip to Florida to play golf. And provided the predicted weekend storm fizzles and misses the East Coast, he’ll be home in time for the birthday dinner I’ve planned. New York City restaurants with Eater buzz are booked solid for forever it seems. So we chose The Post House, where neither of us has been. I especially love his birthday because he is younger than me, so when we celebrate, I celebrate that he keeps inching closer to the left side of 60, where I consider myself to be these days.

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O Christmas Tree!

24 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Art, Concepts

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, Christmas Tree, Concepts, Frank Terranella, Julie Seyler, Lois DeSocio, The Write Side of 50

Rockefeller Center Tree with silver and gold flags

Photo by Julie Seyler.

It’s hard to deny the joy of a Christmas tree. Of course, they smell great, and they can be dressed up, or not. But they also often reflect individual personalities, and provoke memories.

Read on:

xmas2

Lois: There’s been news lately about how plant pathologists and Christmas tree farmers are working on building a better Christmas tree, including, ” … how to cultivate a tree that will last from Thanksgiving until after New Year’s.” I will be first in line if this super tree, with super “needle-retention,” hits my local tree farm. Growing up, our family tradition was to live with our spruce for one day. One day! We bought it, put it up and decorated it on Christmas Eve, and it was kicked to the curb by December 26. I was always sad to see the tree go. I wanted it to be a permanent part of our living room. So ever since I’ve had my own living room, and have been in charge of my own tree – my tradition became: put it up before December 1, and leave it up at least until my birthday – January 9th. Who cares that the evergreen is no longer (its needles become trimmed in brown), and the crashing of falling ornaments and lights is a daily post-Christmas sound in my house. This year, I want to leave it up until spring, when my youngest son will be coming home from studying in England. I want him to come home to Christmas. I want his presents to be under a tree. Maybe by March, I may have to move it outside for a bit (or maybe I can figure out how to rig that “IV drip,” that those plant pathologists have been contemplating as a possibility for tree longevity), but this year, my tree will somehow jingle all the way to May.

a 1968 Christmas
Julie: I am Jewish – not quite religious – but it is my heritage and identity. When I was about six years old, in 1961, my mother, a 31-year-old divorcee, was dating Ed. He later became her husband. But this story took place during their dating days. He could not believe she was not going to put up a Christmas tree for her two daughters. She, on the other hand, could not bear the thought of having a Christmas tree in her home. I mean, really, it went against her whole upbringing, and what would her mother think? But on this particular occasion, he won the battle by promising he would purchase and deliver a tree without any participation on her part. And he did.

At 7:00 on Christmas Eve he dramatically threw a tree in the front door of our garden apartment in Red Bank, New Jersey and proclaimed: “Here’s your d__ tree.” Now Ed never ever cursed, but the tree had fallen off the roof of his yellow Vauxhall on Route 35 in the middle of rush-hour traffic, and he wanted my mother to know the ordeal he had gone through for her and her kids. My sister and I really didn’t care because we had our tree, and we thought it was beautiful. We set out cookies for Santa, hung up socks as stockings, and went to bed (not really believing that Santa would visit). About 4 a.m., we woke up, and lo and behold, the cookies were gone, the stockings were full, and there were all these presents under the tree. We opened the biggest. It was a Barbie Doll Dream House! We ran in to wake my mother, who had only gone to bed two hours before because she was getting everything ready. But she had to get up; she had to assemble that dream house right now!!! So with bleary eyes, she did our bidding and such is how that memory, from 51 years ago, is set in my mind.

christmas tree bob

Bob: Dad would always buy a Christmas tree from Uncle Gus, who owned a garden center, because he gave him a great price. He would put it up in the corner of our living room, perched in a rickety metal stand with three green metal legs and a red hemispherical pan. I couldn’t decide whether it looked more like a flying saucer from a cheesy science fiction movie or a World War I doughboy helmet.

We loaded it with ornaments and strands of lights with heavy glass bulbs that screwed into brown plastic sockets – gigantic, clunky things compared to today’s plastic pop-in bulbs. The tinsel wasn’t strung on garlands, either – it was individual metallic strands that we carefully draped over each bough.

When it was all done, I would lie on my back underneath the tree so that my entire field of vision was filled with branches, tinsel, and blinking lights. One string of lights was a train with an old-fashioned steam locomotive, its tender piled high with painted coal, and a cheerful red caboose chugging off into the forest above my head. I would close my eyes, and bask in the warm piney smell and the energy of the splendor inches above me, and it would feel like Christmas.

frank xmas

Frank: All through my childhood, my parents had a small artificial Christmas tree that they put on a table. Santa put our presents under the table. Then, when I was 14, our artificial Christmas tree went up for what would be the last time. A week after Christmas, my father died. The artificial tree was still up, of course, and many of the horrible memories of my father’s death and the aftermath had that Christmas tree in the background. So it was not a difficult decision for my mother to throw out the tree soon afterward. The next Christmas we got our first real Christmas tree. It was a gorgeous blue spruce, whose top scraped the ceiling in our living room. I can still remember the beautiful smell. It was all totally new to our house. It was fresh and alive, just like we were. My mother, brother and I had a wonderful time picking it out, setting it up and even tending to the water in the base. It was a terrific Christmas. And then, a few days after after Christmas, our cat Willy, for whom the tree was as new as it was for us, could no longer contain himself. He climbed the tree right to the top and it promptly tipped over. Instead of being angry, we simply laughed at the startled tabby. And we had real Christmas trees every year after that.

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The Write Side of 50

The Write Side of 50

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