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The Write Side of 59

~ This is What Happens When You Begin to Age Out of Middle Age

The Write Side of 59

Category Archives: Confessional

I’ll Always Have a Love for a “We’ll-Always-Have” Story

18 Wednesday Sep 2013

Posted by WS50 in Confessional, Men

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confessional, Frank Terranella, Men, The Write Side of 50

Frank Robert and Francesca.

BY FRANK TERRANELLA

Those who follow my writings on this blog may have picked up on a theme that runs through most of my favorite books, movies and even songs. I am a lover of stories about people who meet, enjoy a brief time together, and then are forced to move on. It’s been described as ships-passing-in-the-night fiction.

A famous example of this is, “Casablanca.” Rick and Ilsa enjoy a short time together in both Paris and Casablanca, but they part at the airport. And as Rick reminds Ilsa, “We’ll always have Paris.” And that’s the way I like to refer to these stories. To me they are the, “We’ll-always-have(fill in the blank)” stories.

Over the years there have been many, “We’ll-always-have” stories.  One of my favorites is, “Two For The Seesaw,” a 1962 film starring Shirley MacLaine and Robert Mitchum that was made into the musical, “Seesaw” a decade later.  Stories like this are naturals for musicalization because the emotional level is so high.

A more recent example of this is, “The Bridges of Madison County.”  A few weeks ago I saw a performance of the pre-Broadway run of, “Bridges” up in Williamstown, Massachusetts.  Most people known the story from the 1995 Clint Eastwood/Meryl Streep movie, but the original Robert James Waller novel is much more heartfelt. Anyway, the musical version of the story comes to Broadway early next year and I heartily recommend it for those who love a good, “We’ll-always-have” story.

For the uninitiated, “The Bridges of Madison County” revolves around Francesca Johnson, an Italian-born war bride who marries an American GI right after World War II, and accompanies him home to his farm in Winterset, Iowa. She raises a family and has a good life there. But then one day a photographer named Robert Kincaid arrives at her farmhouse. He’s lost and looking for directions to a nearby covered bridge. Francesca is home alone because her family is at the Illinois State Fair. What transpires over the next week is one of the great love stories of all time. But just as Rick knew that the right thing to do was to let Ilsa go off with her husband, Robert and Francesca painfully reach the same decision. Francesca must stay with her husband and children. And so, even though they would never see each other again, they’d always have that week in Winterset.

But perhaps you have experienced your own “We’ll-always-have” story in real life. It doesn’t have to have been the love of your life. Maybe you had a dear childhood friend, and the family had to move away. I can imagine a tearful farewell scene where you promised to write, and never forget one another.

I had that kind of tearful farewell 40 years ago at a train station in Baden-Oos, Germany (now known as Baden-Baden). My cousin Bob and I were in college, and backpacking through Europe. We met two sisters in Budapest, and hit it off so well that we couldn’t bear to say goodbye when our planned time there ended. So they invited us to visit them at their home on a Canadian military base in Germany. We had such a tremendous time in those few days that there were tears at the train station when we had to get back to Munich for our flight home. We promised to write, and I did diligently for several years. Eventually life moved on for all of us. But even though Bob and I are not likely to ever meet Rosemary or Linda again, we’ll always have Germany.

While there is something sad about two friends or lovers separated by life, what makes these stories bittersweet rather than tragedies is the fact that they did enjoy a brief time of true happiness. In fact their happiness is so strong that it’s enough to last a lifetime. So whether it’s Robert and Francesca, Rick and Ilsa or even you and that special someone you had to leave behind, there is much truth in the words of Tennyson: “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

And we’ll always have our memories.

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The End of “Never”

13 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by WS50 in Confessional

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

confessional, Julie Seyler, Never say never, The Write Side of 50

never say never

BY JULIE SEYLER

Since I crossed the river to reside on the right side of 50, I know never to say never. When I was “young,” there were so many things I would never do when I got “old.”

I was never ever going to be like my grandparents and old aunts and uncles that would spend endless hours dissecting their bodily ailments. These days, I find a sort of odd pleasure in regaling my friends with the nuances of big-toe arthritis and having them lobby back on knee issues.

I was never, ever, going to go to an early-bird dinner. These days. I definitely appreciate the quiet emptiness that envelops a restaurant before the mad rush that descends at the fashionable dining hour of 8:00 p.m. Not to mention the cash benefit of a discounted meal.

I was never, ever, going to be one of those couples that sat across from each other, silently focusing on the pleasure of food. My mate and I were going to be engaged in endless and fascinating animated conversation – dissecting the political and social dilemmas of the day. These days, there is only so much drama I can rehash at the end of the day. Silence can be so comfortable and comforting.

The advantage of youth is we know so much for sure, no one can tell us otherwise. The world is black, and it is white. But never gray. The brilliance of now is nuance. And the knowledge that saying “never,” never works.

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The Matrix That is September 11

11 Wednesday Sep 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

2001, confessional, Julie Seyler, Lois DeSocio, September 11, The Write Side of 50, Twin Towers

9.12.01.

Photos courtesy of The New York Times, September 12, 2001.



Since the attacks of September 11, 2001, a collective consciousness surrounding the events has formed. No matter one’s political views, or how close in proximity one was to the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, or the field in Shanksville, Pennsylvania; no matter whether one chooses to ignore history, or immerse oneself in remembrances; or if loved ones were lost, or if there was no personal connection to the events at all – the date, no doubt, provokes personal recollections. Here are ours:

BY LOIS DESOCIO

I live 15 minutes from Newark Airport; 15 miles from Manhattan. I was speeding downhill in my car about two hours after the towers collapsed, to not only get to my sons at school to bring them home, but because I had a fight-or-flight, duck!, fear piercing me from my throat on down. I believed that at any moment, planes were going to start falling out of the sky on top of me – no matter where I went. It was then, and still is today, the most out of control I’ve ever felt. And the closest I’ve ever felt to death – not only my death, and the death of everyone I loved, but the death of our civilization; our world.

Every September 11 since then, I’m reminded of the ignorant complacency that comes with passing time. I mourn the loss of clarity that I felt that day, and in the weeks and months after. Clarity that only comes with a first encounter with something that has never happened before, and bears nothing else in comparison.

*******

BY JULIE SEYLER

Since 1997, I have walked east to west to go to my gym in the morning. Looking south from 6th Avenue and 20th Street, I had a perfect and direct view of the Twin Towers. I would debate with myself whether I liked them from an architectural standpoint. I would remember the controversy surrounding their erection. I could never decide. All I knew, for sure, was that they were big, and I had eaten a lovely wine-filled meal at Windows on the World.

On September 13, 2001, I walked east to west, and looked south from 6th and 20th.The sky was black – a plume of smoke and ashes. And the Twin Towers were gone. The emptiness in the sight-line can still catch me. Their nonexistence is an unending reminder of their existence. The Ground Zero Memorial and Freedom Tower fill the space but, for me, do not heal the wound of September 11, 2001.

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My Avant-Garde Sister, and Her Hip, Off-the-Shoulder Tattoo

09 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by WS50 in Art, Confessional

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Art, confessional, Julie Seyler, tattoos, The Write Side of 50

Bodhi

Bodhi.

BY JULIE SEYLER

Way, way before tats became au courant, my sister had a gorgeous tattoo of a bodhisattva, that enlightened disciple of Buddha, etched onto her right shoulder. I remember the first time I saw it – around 1986 or 1987. I was shocked that she had had half of her arm covered by a tattoo. But there was no denying the artistry of the piece. It had been drawn by a brilliant artist who simply preferred skin to canvas, never a concept I quite embraced, but it was a work of fine art. The delicacy of the lines, and the sensitivity of the shading, merged into a face of compassion and tranquility. The posted photo does not do it justice, but after searching the thousands of photos of my sister I found out I never nailed a great shot of the tattoo. I was too resistant to the idea of scored skin (still am) to want to take a picture. But after 20 years, I became used to it. Even fond of it.

But things change, and the tattoo no longer fit my sister’s lifestyle, so she decided to have it removed. She told me it was a long and painful process. The one piece of advice she has given her daughters, should they decide to go the way of Bob’s son, and get a tattoo is: stay away from color.

It is purely practical advice because it is a bear to remove inked-in red, blue and green hues from the skin. And as we, who reside on the right side of 50 know all too well, skin texture morphs, melts and perhaps even sags in some places. We know that that tattooed cinnabar heart, which seemed so alluring on the arm at 20, may actually droop uncontrollably at 60.

Anyway, from time to time, I sort of miss the bodhi that danced on my sister’s shoulder. However, she has informed me, that if I look closely, traces of her remain – an outline of a memory.

So here’s to my sister, who had the hipness to decide to get a tattoo ahead of the curve. And is no doubt still ahead of the curve in getting it removed.

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My Stool-Sample Story

06 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Men, stool samples

Drawing by Julie Seyler.

Drawing by Julie Seyler.

BY BOB SMITH

Last week, as part of my annual check-up, I had routine bloodwork done. I was also given “homework” in the form of a stool-sample kit, which tests for blood in your feces. If they find blood, it could mean you have colon cancer, which is highly treatable in its early stages, but frightfully deadly later on.

The stool-sample kit is ingenious. You lay a piece of thin paper on the surface of the water in your commode to create a temporary floating platform, “make your deposit” on it, then jab the top of the floating waste with a tool resembling a spiky plastic toothpick – twisting to ensure full coverage. Then you snap the befouled toothpick into a sterile plastic carrying case, wrap the case in a sliver of bubble wrap, and slide the whole thing into a padded, postage prepaid envelope addressed to the testing lab. Dump the envelope into the nearest mailbox, and it’s done.

Are we having fun yet? Surely not half as much fun as the lab technician whose job it is to unwrap and test those spiky sticks all day long.

Anyway, I dutifully completed the test, mailed it off, and totally forgot about the blood work and stool sample – until I went home after four days away and listened to the accumulated phone messages. There were four: one wrong number, and the next three, ominously, from my doctor’s office. All three merely recited that it was Dr. Gold’s office calling for Robert W. Smith, and asked that I give them a call. I’m not technically savvy, so I couldn’t figure out whether the messages had been left over three days, or three hours. Nonetheless, I was a bit alarmed that the doctor’s office was so anxious to reach me.

Continue reading →

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A Final Climb to the Top of Hawk Mountain

05 Thursday Sep 2013

Posted by WS50 in Confessional

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Tags

Birdwatching, confessional, Margo D. Beller, The Write Side of 50

atop the mountain

BY MARGO D. BELLER

The months run by. It seems like yesterday that I was looking at an Eastern Phoebe on the first full day of spring. Now the summer is over, the kids are going back to school (yay!),and the birds that came north to breed are heading south for the winter.

On Sept. 1, many hawk watches opened for “business.” These platforms, where people scan the skies for eagles, osprey and smaller hawks are located atop or near ridges where rising warm air, and northerly wind create an aerial highway for these diurnal travelers.

New Jersey has lots of these places, from Cape May in the south, to Sandy Hook along the eastern coast, to the ridges in the west along the Delaware River, and many others in between.

But before I discovered the treasures of my home state, we went west to Hawk Mountain Sanctuary in Pennsylvania. This place, where men once blasted migrating hawks out of the sky for sport, was bought by a rich woman and turned into a sanctuary.

What draws the birdwatchers, is seeing the birds practically at eye level from the topmost lookout. But there is a price to pay. The higher you go, the harder the climb, with many rocks that shift under your weight.

The first time we climbed to the top, we were beguiled by all the warblers we found along the way. It was a weekday and the crowd was small. We had come prepared, and enjoyed watching the raptors fly. On the way down, we even found a bird we’d never seen before, a Bicknell’s thrush. We knew we had to return someday.

That happened a few years later. However, rocks shift, mountains get worn from the rain and people get older. Our second climb up – no warblers to be found – was on a Saturday. There were many more people making the climb and sitting at the top.

Watching the hawks up close was just as wonderful. But the climb down, for we without wings, was much more hazardous than last time. Even with a walking stick, I came close to falling several times, which scared me.

There were older people making the climb in both directions, and they seemed to have no problem. But there were others who had to travel very slowly, helped by younger people. They all kept going because they were drawn to the hawks, and I hope they weren’t disappointed.

But when we got to the bottom of the mountain, MH and I knew we wouldn’t be making that climb again.

As I said, there are lots of hawk watches closer to home, and my favorite one allows us to drive to the top, take out the folding chair, and watch the show. It will do.

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Remembering a Summer, and the Girl Who Had My Heart

30 Friday Aug 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

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Tags

Anthony Buccino, confessional, Men, The Write Side of 50

ronnie 3

BY ANTHONY BUCCINO

It started innocently, as all these stories do. I was on an open-ended summer vacation at Lake Erie. In September, I’d return to New Jersey and my junior year of high school. I’d count the days until I got my driver’s license, and could return to this summer place.

That day, my buddy drove us in his VW Bug to a new shopping center in Mentor where the stores were connected and under one roof. It was the biggest thing to hit northeastern Ohio in 1970 since practically ever. The Ohio kids got their license at 15 – geeze, 15! – if they wanted.

While wandering aimlessly along the cavern of shops, a frantically-waving hand on the other side of the window inside a Friendly’s Restaurant caught our eye. It was my buddy’s neighbor Cyndi, and she was so excited to run into us so far from home. I knew Cyndi, and her mom sitting there, but the new girl – let’s call her Ronnie – caught my eye.

Soon I found myself spending a lot of time at Cyndi’s, and her cousin Ronnie showed up nearly all the time. Evenings, we sat on the front steps listening to the Woodstock album on the eight-track. Ronnie liked listening to the Beatles because they were banned in her house because of something John Lennon said.

As a group, we went practically everywhere. Cyndi drove, and we went here and there, to pick up pop, visit a farm stand, or hit the miniature golf links. And I tagged along with the family to the kid brother’s Little League games at Cederquist Park.

One time, we teenagers got volunteered to work at Cyndi’s church cleaning the ceiling tiles in the kitchen. As long as Ronnie was there, it didn’t matter where there was.

Ronnie and I took walks around the block where Cyndi lived. We were still too shy to hold hands, but we were hanging on every word the other said. We were looking for clues that this summer thing would be a forever thing. Walking and talking with the pretty girl lifted the veil of shyness.

A long distance relationship is fine for a shy guy. At home, you could always defer to your girlfriend hundreds of miles away, and say things like, “Gee, I have to run. I owe her a letter.” And, “I can’t wait until I get back to Ohio to see my girl again.” No one would be the wiser.

But a gal wants someone who’s there. Who can take her to the school dance. Someone she can see in the hallways at school. A guy who’s not too far away to do things with. Long distance phone calls and weekly letters in the mail won’t carry that weight.

It’s been more than forty years since we parted. I’ve had other heartbreaks, but none as permanent as the first. Perhaps our story will become a Lifetime channel movie. We met, lost contact, lived our lives and then one day we each look up at the random table at the random nursing home and see each other again. Of course, I’m wondering if she remembers me, or am I a long-forgotten minor distraction? The music over the closing film credits will be that ’60s Four Seasons song, “I’ll go on living and keep on forgiving, because …” Well, you know the rest.

Is it Ronnie I want to meet in that senior citizens home, or am I deep-down longing to meet myself? Although I’m pushing sixty, inside, much of the time I’m still that sixteen-year-old, wide-eyed, innocent – amazed that a beautiful girl would speak with me. Or leave a burning torch in my soul.

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The Loss of a Friend, and a Fear of Falling

28 Wednesday Aug 2013

Posted by WS50 in Confessional

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

confessional, Margo D. Beller, The Write Side of 50

inside an old church in Stellenbosch

BY MARGO D. BELLER

Back in April, I wrote about my friend and former employer, who had just turned 95. I had called him on his birthday. During our talk I was reassured that he was not only doing as well as could be expected physically, but was as mentally sharp as ever – writing columns and reading The New York Times. His attitude was upbeat and, as usual, he was full of good humor. But he was philosophical, too.

“Anyone who says they’ve never gone through any bad things in his life hasn’t lived,” he told me at that time. I had hoped to have an old age as good as his.

Unfortunately, about a month after that conversation, my friend fell and broke his ankle. He lost his mobility, and went downhill fast. He’d been in and out of rehab several times. I learned he died in his sleep four months after our talk. I regret not calling again, but his son said, those times that my friend was awake, he wasn’t talking on the phone anyway.

We are warned about the danger of falls as we get older. I think of my great ­aunt, another vibrant, sharp person, and how she was never the same after she fell, and broke a leg bone. She, too, was shuttled in and out of the hospital, and that is where she died. I think of the falls I have taken, including one where I fell flat on my face. I’ve had swellings and a black eye, but no broken bones. Yet. I have not put in the types of safety devices my elderly father had in his bathroom, and I do exercises that, I hope, help me keep my balance.

Still, there’s always the next one.

Despite knowing, logically, that I am aging, emotionally, I feel much younger. The thought of the inevitable decay frightens me as I get closer to 60 – my
mother’s age when she died. Even if I live to 95, ­and my friend’s older brother is very much alive at 100, ­is that a good life if I am physically or, worse, mentally infirm?
Does quantity of years equal quality?

My friend had a good life to the end, surrounded by his family and friends. But there are no guarantees in this life. Situations change. Many of us Boomers run around like youngsters, refusing to believe we will die. One of my friends, a few years older, like me, has no children. Unlike me, she is single. She worries about having the money to retire, and pay any medical bills. She told me that when she gets to the point where she can’t take care of herself anymore, she’s going out on a “sunset cruise,” with a laced cocktail, and is not coming back.

I can appreciate her thinking, even as I recoil from the thought of hastening the Creator along. I do not think my 95­-year-­old friend feared the end. I wish he was still around so I could ask him.

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It’s the Pond, Not the Fish, That Got Away

26 Monday Aug 2013

Posted by WS50 in Confessional, Men

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Men, The Write Side of 50

THE POND 2

Art by Julie Seyler.

BY BOB SMITH

In our early teens, my brother Jim and I would sneak onto the grounds of a nearby private Catholic girls’ school to fish in a stream-fed pond at the back of the property. One summer morning, a nun who had caught us trespassing there punished us by forcing us to throw back our catch: two plump trout begging to be pan-fried in butter for breakfast. They were already quite dead, and releasing them was a useless gesture, but the merciful sister would have none of it.

The incident soured us on that fishing hole, so we avoided it for the next couple of months. Instead we fished in the smaller pond upstream of the school, which was legally accessible because it bordered on a public street. Or we’d fish downstream of the school in a brook that ran through a wooded strip behind a row of suburban houses, none of which laid claim to owning that piece of land.

But we knew the trout could feed and grow almost without limit in the cool, deep waters of that big pond behind the girls’ school. We were determined to sneak in there again to catch them – nuns be damned.

It was late August by the time we got up the courage to go back. We slid out of bed at 5:15 a.m., and dressed in the dark, quietly pulling on jeans and tee shirts we’d laid out the night before. Then we gathered our gear and can of nightcrawlers from the garage, carefully rolling open the overhead door, and talking in hushed whispers so we wouldn’t awaken our parents in the bedroom above.

The sky was a black dome dotted with stars; no trace of moon. And although the air was scented with grass, it carried a melancholy undertone too – the distinct chill that creeps into late summer mornings as the season steals away. We walked in silence through the quiet streets to the entrance to the woods a mile away.

It was darker along the stream than it had been on the road, but by now the sky was starting to brighten enough so that, even in the twilight below the canopy of trees, we could pick out the familiar dirt path ahead. There was a concrete spillway just below the pond that sloped steeply upwards for about forty feet. As we labored up the path alongside the spillway, we noticed there was a broad wet path on the concrete, rippling with a steady trickle of water from above, as if the pond were overflowing.

But it hadn’t rained in a week.

We reached the top and peered out of the bushes, our heads level with the dirt road that circled the pond. The sun was pretty well up by now, and we could see there were no nuns about, and that the caretaker’s empty truck was parked by his house across the lake. All clear. We clambered up onto the road, carefully poking our fragile fishing poles out of the bushes ahead of us, like insects’ antennae testing the air. We scurried across the road onto the wooden dock and looked out over the pond. Normally we would see the rose reflection of the new dawn on the glassy water; bugs darting in the mist being snatched from the air by trout breaking the surface; ripples from the morning breeze – but there was nothing. The pond was gone.

Someone had drained it by opening the sluice gates at the top of the spillway. That explained the trickle on the concrete – they must have done it days ago. By now, the pond had almost entirely bled out.

Our pristine secret fishing hole had been reduced to a slimy expanse of black mud, and a few shallow puddles. The deepest remaining spots were in the middle, where the pond had been deepest when it was full, and where we assumed the largest fish had hidden. It looked as if most of them were still there, crowded into the last refuge of water, the sluggish movements of their clustered dorsal fins barely covered by the brackish soup. Some moved more slowly than others. Others had stopped moving and had begun to merge with the mud.

We never learned why they drained that pond, but if the goal was to deter trespassers, they achieved it with us. We left that day, sick at heart, and never returned.

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I Love My Car Because It’s MY Car

23 Friday Aug 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

confessional, driving, Lois DeSocio, SUV, The Write Side of 50

car me

My cockpit.

BY LOIS DESOCIO

I must riff on Julie’s post from yesterday about her car, because I counter her disdain of driving with a kicky passion for it that rivals the romance a pilot must have with taking to the skies in his or her plane. For me, a wheel in hand, and a road ahead, unfailingly filters life’s daily pummels.

I adore my car. I do not have the hip convertible that Julie has (I have my hip, though), but I do have a posh, black … SUV. I’ve had it for three years now. It was my first new car in ten years, and as soon as I brought it home, it would instigate head-scratching among some friends: “Why did you buy another “mom car?” (It’s not a “mom car,” thank you, because it’s not a minivan.) And it does not holster sippy cups, and the seats are never sticky.

It’s neither garish, nor gigantic, but it’s roomy enough to lug my stuff, and generous enough in height to allow a view from above on the highways. And after years of driving the family car, in which I taught my sons to drive, and subsequently shared with them so often that it became more their locker room, and less my wheels, for the first time in decades, I have a car that is mine. Just mine.

It has become a salve to some of the wallops life has thrown my way lately. My car has become the one thing to which I am a coxswain. It is my trusty vessel. It takes me wherever I want to go. It stays where I put it. I can lock out anyone I choose. It’s cool in the summer;warm in the winter. The top doesn’t come off, but it has a hole in the roof that lets in the wind without messing my hair. I can make phone calls in it, ask it directions; listen to music and scream-sing along with abandon. It doesn’t lie, manipulate, talk back or ask for money. (It’s paid off.) And it’s fast. I can merge, slow down, cut off, and speed up as I choose. Or I can just sit in it in my garage and talk to myself. I don’t need it to commute to work, so the milage is low, and gas-guzzling is kept at bay. I plan to keep it forever.

So, in mid-life, when the road ahead can be bumpy, and there’s a need to put the brakes on it all for a bit, it’s my car that often steers me away for a while.

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The Write Side of 50

The Write Side of 50

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