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The Write Side of 59

~ This is What Happens When You Begin to Age Out of Middle Age

The Write Side of 59

Tag Archives: Bob Smith

It’s the Pond, Not the Fish, That Got Away

26 Monday Aug 2013

Posted by WS50 in Confessional, Men

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Men, The Write Side of 50

THE POND 2

Art by Julie Seyler.

BY BOB SMITH

In our early teens, my brother Jim and I would sneak onto the grounds of a nearby private Catholic girls’ school to fish in a stream-fed pond at the back of the property. One summer morning, a nun who had caught us trespassing there punished us by forcing us to throw back our catch: two plump trout begging to be pan-fried in butter for breakfast. They were already quite dead, and releasing them was a useless gesture, but the merciful sister would have none of it.

The incident soured us on that fishing hole, so we avoided it for the next couple of months. Instead we fished in the smaller pond upstream of the school, which was legally accessible because it bordered on a public street. Or we’d fish downstream of the school in a brook that ran through a wooded strip behind a row of suburban houses, none of which laid claim to owning that piece of land.

But we knew the trout could feed and grow almost without limit in the cool, deep waters of that big pond behind the girls’ school. We were determined to sneak in there again to catch them – nuns be damned.

It was late August by the time we got up the courage to go back. We slid out of bed at 5:15 a.m., and dressed in the dark, quietly pulling on jeans and tee shirts we’d laid out the night before. Then we gathered our gear and can of nightcrawlers from the garage, carefully rolling open the overhead door, and talking in hushed whispers so we wouldn’t awaken our parents in the bedroom above.

The sky was a black dome dotted with stars; no trace of moon. And although the air was scented with grass, it carried a melancholy undertone too – the distinct chill that creeps into late summer mornings as the season steals away. We walked in silence through the quiet streets to the entrance to the woods a mile away.

It was darker along the stream than it had been on the road, but by now the sky was starting to brighten enough so that, even in the twilight below the canopy of trees, we could pick out the familiar dirt path ahead. There was a concrete spillway just below the pond that sloped steeply upwards for about forty feet. As we labored up the path alongside the spillway, we noticed there was a broad wet path on the concrete, rippling with a steady trickle of water from above, as if the pond were overflowing.

But it hadn’t rained in a week.

We reached the top and peered out of the bushes, our heads level with the dirt road that circled the pond. The sun was pretty well up by now, and we could see there were no nuns about, and that the caretaker’s empty truck was parked by his house across the lake. All clear. We clambered up onto the road, carefully poking our fragile fishing poles out of the bushes ahead of us, like insects’ antennae testing the air. We scurried across the road onto the wooden dock and looked out over the pond. Normally we would see the rose reflection of the new dawn on the glassy water; bugs darting in the mist being snatched from the air by trout breaking the surface; ripples from the morning breeze – but there was nothing. The pond was gone.

Someone had drained it by opening the sluice gates at the top of the spillway. That explained the trickle on the concrete – they must have done it days ago. By now, the pond had almost entirely bled out.

Our pristine secret fishing hole had been reduced to a slimy expanse of black mud, and a few shallow puddles. The deepest remaining spots were in the middle, where the pond had been deepest when it was full, and where we assumed the largest fish had hidden. It looked as if most of them were still there, crowded into the last refuge of water, the sluggish movements of their clustered dorsal fins barely covered by the brackish soup. Some moved more slowly than others. Others had stopped moving and had begun to merge with the mud.

We never learned why they drained that pond, but if the goal was to deter trespassers, they achieved it with us. We left that day, sick at heart, and never returned.

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Hats Off to Me: I’m Leaving the Law for Retirement

20 Tuesday Aug 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, lawyer, Men, Retirement, The Write Side of 50

Bob chair hat

BY BOB SMITH

I began practicing law in 1984, when I was 29. I’m now 58. One week ago today I advised the management of the law firm where I’m a partner that I’m leaving the practice of law as of October 1. I chose that date because it coincides with the close of the firm’s fiscal year, which will make the settling up of my finances neat and clean. But there’s nothing neat and clean about leaving a career you’ve pursued for half your life.

Most people consider a full-time job something that requires you to be at work forty hours a week. But to a lawyer in private practice, “full-time” means all the time. And perhaps because it’s so all-consuming, the prospect of not doing it any more is daunting – how will I fill up my time, I wonder? While practicing law, my time was so full I couldn’t consider any other activities. Life, it seemed, revolved around my work. Everything I did was defined by the demands of the job – and they are many.

Here’s a non-exhaustive, but nonetheless exhausting, list of the things you have to do to succeed as a lawyer in private practice:

  • Think clearly, write well, and verbally advocate your client’s position.
  • Manage expectations, which means having pointed – often heated – discussions with your clients about proposed strategy, potential outcomes, and of course, expected costs.
  • Train, motivate, mentor and supervise younger associates, paralegals, and other support staff.
  • Bill your time, which means writing a detailed narrative of the legal work done for each client and how much time it took – down to the tenth of an hour – to perform each task. To meet your billable targets, you should account for eight or more billable hours every single working day. Like J. Alfred Prufrock, who “measured out [his] life with coffee spoons,” for half my life I’ve measured out mine in six-minute increments.
  • Constantly seek new clients or new legal work from existing clients, which requires you to do things that most people see as recreation: play in golf outings, attend charity dinners, and take clients or prospective clients out to restaurants, concerts, and sporting events. But the fun fades when those activities start to gobble up days and evenings you’d rather spend with your family and friends.
  • Keep abreast of current developments by attending continuing legal education seminars.
  • Speak at legal conferences or other public events.
  • Do pro bono legal work and donate your time and energies to worthy causes that help your community, both because it’s your duty as a citizen and an attorney, and as a way to “get your name out there,” and develop contacts who may refer work to you or the firm.

The list goes on. And the stakes are high: if you don’t do your job right, your clients can lose big money, lose their businesses completely, or be precluded from doing things they want to do. If you make a really terrible mistake, you may be found to have committed malpractice and the firm itself could pay a steep financial price for your misstep, not to mention the personal price you would pay to endure that kind of crisis. In short, you’re under incredible pressure, all the time: to perform, to serve, to produce results.

So why was I so terribly conflicted when I realized I could just get out? There’s comfort in the known, and terror in the unknown. It’s like Hamlet contemplating suicide, and acknowledging that we have no idea what awaits us after death – which ” … makes us rather bear those ills we have, than fly to others that we know not of.” I was afraid to leap from the relative comfort of a demanding, but well-defined career, into the unknown called “retirement.”

bob chair faceBut I’ve done it. I’ve just taken that first leap into the cold pool. And even after only one week, before I’ve fully withdrawn from my life at the firm, I can sense it was the right thing to do. A few months from now I have no doubt I’ll be saying come on in, the water’s just fine.

For now, however, I’m still shivering a bit.

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Weiner’s Inflated Head …

05 Monday Aug 2013

Posted by WS50 in Men, Opinion

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Anthony Weiner, Bob Smith, Men, opinion, The Write Side of 50

The Weiner: 2 red onions and a scallion

The Weiner: 2 red onions and a scallion.

BY BOB SMITH

Weiner’s Lead Shrinks
Weiner Sticks It Out
Weiner Won’t Withdraw
Weiner Takes A Hard Line
Weiner Comes On Strong
Weiner Whacked In Latest Poll

Enough already. The New York Post pun-headline writers are in hog heaven with this one. Even his wife’s name plays into it – oh I know, she uses Huma (“hoo-ma”) Abedin, her maiden name. Why? Probably to avoid any snickering over the potential oral sex allusion if her name were Huma (as in “hum-a”) Weiner.

There he stands wiry and intensely defiant; a cornered raging rodent, proclaiming his staunch intention to keep plugging away (sorry) in his race for mayor of New York. There’s Huma, sincere and wide-eyed; the bright trustworthy Good Wife standing by her flawed yet human man. It’s all a bit strained, isn’t it?

Let’s be real. If it had been splashed all over every newspaper and other news media outlet in the country that I had been sending flaming erotic messages to a woman half my age and engaging in lurid masturbatory phone sex with her multiple times a day, and that I had done it all under the ludicrous nom de guerre “Carlos Danger,” I would be so deeply ashamed of my transgressions against my wife, my family, and common morality that I would probably never show my face in public again.

Not so Mr. Weiner. He holds a press conference, hiding behind the usual “I’m a flawed person” mea culpas so popular among public figures these days who get caught, literally, with their shorts around their ankles. He has no shame, and for him I suppose that’s good. He can walk down the street with his head held high, apparently secure in the knowledge that at least he thinks he’s perfectly fine.

But the rest of us don’t have to live in his world. In our world, what he has done reveals a shocking, pitiful depth of self-absorption and, worse yet, an utter disregard for others: his wife, his infant son (who someday will read all about it), the woman (women) he has playfully ravaged electronically from afar and regaled with photos of his genitalia; and of course, the voters he expects to believe his hollow protestations of having changed his wayward ways. These character flaws, or obsessions, or whatever they’re called, don’t seem compatible with the energy, dedication, and focus that would be needed to effectively lead one of the biggest cities in the world.

Remember the tongue in cheek Peter Principle, from the late ’60s? The premise was that in a system where an individual’s advancement is based on achievement and/or merit, the person will eventually be promoted beyond his or her level of ability. Each person, they said, would eventually work his or her way up to their level of incompetence and then stay there. Think Dilbert and all his coworkers.

Anthony Wiener has found that plateau. There’s no need to promote him any further. He’s apparently very good at indulging his erotic/narcissistic fantasies, and at stroking (again, my apologies) his apparently boundless ego. Let’s not risk a painful and embarrassing demonstration of the Wiener Principle by allowing him to continue doing so from Gracie Mansion.

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Gone Fishing. Caught by a Nun

01 Thursday Aug 2013

Posted by WS50 in Men

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Bob Smith, Men, The Write Side of 50

Nun

Art by Julie Seyler.

BY BOB SMITH

Late summer nights in the late ’60s would find me and my brother, Jim, crawling around in our friend’s backyard, groping for nightcrawlers. It wasn’t just for the fun of it – they were destined to be trout bait. Our favorite fishing hole was a pond bursting with rainbow trout about a mile from our house, buried in the woods behind a private Catholic girls’ school in Alpine, New Jersey.

We would sneak out of bed, get to the pond by 5:30 a.m., and start fishing in the dark. Once the first slice of dawn seared the horizon, the trout began to feed and the bite was on. Mr. Durkin, the resident groundskeeper, lived in a small house on the far side of the pond. If he saw us fishing, he would yell from across the pond, or jump in his truck, and drive over to chase us away. Either way, with Durkin, we always escaped. Maybe he meant it that way.

But the nuns were a different story. The school was run by strict nuns who wore traditional black habits with headpieces and tight white wimples – like facial spats – covering their cheeks and throats. They didn’t drive or yell or make any noise at all – they walked peacefully along the road, approaching in total silence. They were easy to miss. If you didn’t look up often enough to check the road, one of those holy zombies could sneak right up on you.

“Penguin at two o’clock,” Jimmy whispered urgently, reeling in his line so fast his worm periodically launched out of the water.

Sure enough, there was a nun, waddling slowly toward us on the dirt road that ran along the right side of the pond. Her hands were clasped under her belly, where an oversized wooden cross gently swayed and bounced with each measured stride. She was at least 75 yards away – an easy exit. I nervously reeled in my line, while Jimmy jammed the knife and other gear into the tackle box, snapping it shut.

“Move yer ass, here she comes!” he yelled, laughing nervously, and stumbling as he started to run. With a hooked nightcrawler dangling madly at the end of my pole, I grabbed the bait can and followed Jimmy, our feet thudding like gunshots on the rickety wooden dock.

The nun called out in her stern schoolteacher’s voice. “Stop you boys! Stop right there!” She had turned the corner of the pond, and was now only 20 yards away.

Why didn’t they ever run? Was it the clunky shoes? Or was running sinful somehow? Whatever the reason, we easily got away, whooping as we plunged down the steep dirt path into the woods on the far side of the road, our hearts hammering and rocks and dirt skittering around our ankles.

But not always. It was a glorious summer morning twenty minutes after dawn. A fat rainbow trout exploded to the surface and grabbed Jimmy’s bait, then darted away, tugging frantically as it knifed through the water in quicksilver flashes. It dove again, taking out line, then doubled back to leap in a graceful arc above the surface, scattering jeweled droplets as it shook its head from side to side, trying to throw the hook.

Within a half hour, we had two fat fish on the dock, and had lost four more to broken lines or thrown hooks. Rainbow trout are beautiful. Black freckly spots cover their back and fins, and a pink sorbet stripe runs in a festive banner from gills to tail. After they’re dead a while, the colors start to fade, and ours were looking that way now. The bite was slowing down anyway, so we decided it was time to go.

And there, at the end of the dock, stood a stern-faced nun.

“You aren’t supposed to fish here, you know,” she said, pursing her lips in disapproval. We’d been caught by the nun Gestapo!

“What are your names?” she commanded. We answered sheephishly; automatically.

“Jim Smith.”

“Bob Smith.”

She jerked her neck, peckish, and fixed us with a solemn squint.
“Lying is a grave sin.”

We shrugged. How could you prove your identity at age 14 – show your ninth grade report card?

“Now get out of here and don’t come back.” We started to gather our things. “And throw those fish back in the water.”

They’d been lying motionless on the dock for a half hour. Jimmy picked one up by the tail and cradled its head with his other hand, bobbing it in the water to move fluid over the gills as if to coax it to life. We both knew it was a hopeless gesture, but the nun needed to understand.

“See, sister? They’re dead. There’s no point,” he pleaded.

Like a startled turtle, she withdrew a bit back into her wimple, making the doughy skin squish further out around the edges. Her pale eyes were watery, but unwavering. She shook her head. We picked up both fish – dead, and still as stones. The pond looked opaque; a crystal carpet dancing in the brilliant sun. We gently slid them below the surface and they quickly disappeared into the cool blackness. They wouldn’t float until later when they started to rot. By the time they rose to the surface they would be ghastly caricatures of rainbow trout – white-eyed, bloated and frayed, with all their colors drained to gray.

We gathered our things and glumly trudged down the path into the half-shadows of the woods, heading home. We stopped briefly to dump out our leftover nightcrawlers among the weeds by the stream. Most would get eaten by birds before they could dig in. But at least they had a chance.

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Our Early Morning (and Undercover) Dig for Nightcrawlers

25 Thursday Jul 2013

Posted by WS50 in Men

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Bob Smith, Men, Night crawlers, The Write Side of 50

The plump purplish flesh of the slithering nightcrawler.

The plump, purple and fleshy nightcrawler. By Julie Seyler.

BY BOB SMITH

When we were in our early teens, my older brother Jim and I used to sneak out of bed at 4 a.m. on summer mornings to go trout fishing. It felt forbidden, secretive, and slightly dangerous, which made it glorious fun. I hope some kids today still do it. If so, they’ll need this primer on a critical part of the fishing ritual: gathering the bait.

Some people think you go fishing for trout with worms, but that’s strictly bush league. We used nightcrawlers. To call them worms would be an insult – worms are pink, small-bore, garish wrigglers. (See Margo’s blog on worms in apples.) Nightcrawlers, on the other hand, are lumbering logs of plump, purplish flesh that slither along the ground, regal and snake-like. Catching them required that we be nightcrawlers too – around 11 o’clock at night, after the day’s heat had dissipated, and the dampness that would be the morning dew was just starting to coalesce on the grass. Jimmy and I would grab a couple of empty coffee cans, and head for our friend Steve’s backyard. The yard was deep and dark, and there was a broad expanse of lush grass where nightcrawlers thrived. We would kneel down a few feet away from each other, each with a coffee can stationed by our side, and gently place our hands down on the ground in front of us. You had to be careful even then because if you came down too hard you might find one right under your hand, and be rudely reminded that they’re just tubes of juicy guts. Needless to say, when they burst, the mess sometimes travels straight back up into the face of the human crawler who caused the calamity.

Catching them was tricky. Once touched, the nightcrawler contracts as if electrocuted, instantly pulling its body back into its hole in the ground. The trick is to pinch its body between your fingers and your thumb as soon as you feel any movement under your hand. You have to pinch quickly, before its entire greasy body snap-slithers back below ground, and firmly enough to arrest its movement, but not so firmly that you pinch it into two pieces. Half a nightcrawler is a sad and useless thing – it wriggles blindly for a while but quickly withers to an inert purple stub in your bait can.

Once you firmly grabbed a crawler, you had to wait patiently. The worm would eventually start contracting back in the direction of the hole it started from, and that would tell you the direction you needed to pull to effect the extraction. If you pinched and tugged too soon, you might be pulling the wrong way, and only hasten the nightcrawlers’ journey home to its hole Every millimeter it got back into the ground made it less likely you’d be able to pull it out whole again.

Occasionally you’d come across one that was fully out of the ground, and you just picked it up, twisting and slimy, and dropped it into the can with the others. Other times, only an inch or two of a five-incher was protruding, and you pinched at air as the tip ducked from your grasp. For the rest, you waited – pinching firmly while waiting for the worm to tip its hand (so to speak). As soon as it pulled one way, you tugged in the opposite direction, maintaining firm but steady pressure on its plump body. Eventually, the worm would tire and its resistance would fail. Then the nightcrawler would lay slack, exhausted, and you could pull its entire length from the hole. In the can he would go, and you went back to gingerly patting your hands ahead of you in the dark grass.

On a good night it took us less than an hour to gather two dozen nightcrawlers – plenty for a morning of trout fishing. But we never put more nightcrawlers in the can than we needed for the next day of fishing, because catching them required that we understand them, and with that came, strange to say, a measure of respect for their right to live.

They taught me a valuable lesson, too: when life grabs you really hard, the direction in which you pull; the person or place you reflexively retreat to, is home.

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My Former Tot, and His First Tattoo

17 Wednesday Jul 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Men, tattoos, The Write Side of 50

Bob tat

BY BOB SMITH

My older son, 28 years old, got his first tattoo the other day (I say “first” because he’s already talking about the next tattoo.) Now I’m going to sound old, but it’s true – it seems like only months ago he was a chubby, cheerful toddler. Now he’s grown up and tatted up.

His tattoo, he tells me, is the Smith coat of arms. That seems right – it pretty much coats his right arm from approximately mid-bicep to the shoulder. He assures me it’s designed to be fully obscured by a short sleeve shirt in the event he’s in a non-tat friendly crowd someday and wants to keep his ink to himself.

It features in the center a shield with three extended arms – one holding a vertical sword and the other two together grasping what appears to be a torch. At the top of the design, like the crest on a helmet, is yet another arm holding a sword perpendicular to the sword below. It looks as though the bearer of that second sword is buried in the intricate scrollwork and curlicues that adorn the top of the shield, and may be trying to hack his or her way out.

There’s also a banner across the bottom with the Latin words, “Tenebras expellit et hostes,” which means, “He expels the darkness and the enemy.” My son didn’t even like high school Italian, and completely skipped Latin, but now he proudly displays some of that dead language on his very living arm. Go figure.

But I must say that overall it’s an impressive piece of artwork. That’s particularly true considering that it took five painstaking (and pain-giving) hours to etch the lines into my son’s skin, with the artist having to continually wipe away blood and excess ink in order to see where the next line of color should be laid in. Bob Jr. is thrilled with it.

I’m less thrilled, but that has nothing to do with the quality of the tattoo. I think it’s a generational thing. When I was a kid, people with tattoos fell into three general categories: carnival gypsies in movies (think Anthony Quinn with dark makeup and a bandanna on his head), crusty Navy veterans sporting a Popeye-style forearm anchor with the name of some rusty old tub emblazoned on a banner below, or criminals. My earliest memory of prison tats is of the LOVE and HATE tattoos on Robert Mitchum’s fingers in the film “Night of the Hunter.” The tats were simple and crude, yet effective, and we were terrified of Robert Mitchum in that role.

Then there were the “naughty” tattoos: the mermaid inside a scallop shell, with wide saucy hips, folded scaly tail, and large breasts jutting proudly from her chest amidst a cascade of wavy hair. The breasts could be confirmed to be anatomically correct, or not, depending on the placement of the locks of hair. Or the religious tattoos: a pulsing red heart encircled by a crown of thorns, and an inscription such as, “Dear Jesus” across the front. This design also came with an optional vertical dagger through the heart. In that iteration, this tattoo bore the inscription, “Born to Die.” Or sometimes, with roses substitued for the thorns, the heart said, “Mom.”

And then there were the super-religious tattoos where the person’s entire back was covered with an image of Jesus in the repose of death, as if the tattooee had lain on the shroud of Turin, and the image transferred to his back like a newspaper photo onto a piece of Silly Putty. People with this kind of giant mural tattoo seemed to also go for the “narrative” tattoos: pictures that twirl around their arms, torso, and/or legs, and depict the story of the Old Testament, World War I, or the entire Star Wars series – pick your epic tale.

And it was unheard of for women to get tattoos at all.

In part because of the unsavory reputation of tattoos we saw on the older generation, it seems that baby boomers as a whole never really jumped on the tattoo bandwagon. My son’s generation, however, is different. Girls and guys alike get all sorts of tattoos, large and small, to make a permanent fashion or other statement on the canvas of their own bodies. It’s hip and totally acceptable, and I have no problem with it – as long as you don’t try to stencil a picture onto me with a zillion stabs of an ink-covered needle.

Still, I can’t help but wonder if the trend will skip generations again. When my children and their friends start to have babies, will those kids growing up look at the “older” generation (our kids) and generally shun the idea simply because it’s too status quo?

I can hear them taunting their parents now:
“Tattoos? That’s so millennial. So yesterday. Get with it, Dad.”

Enjoy the tats, kids, but don’t count on passing on a tradition.

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A “Bennie” Now Comes, Instead of Goes, Home

12 Friday Jul 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Men, The Write Side of 50

The Bennies are here. Photocollage by Julie Seyler.

The Bennies are here. Photocollage by Julie Seyler.

BY BOB SMITH

My wife and I are about to move into our house at the Jersey Shore on a full-time basis. We bought it 23 years ago, and during that time we’ve expanded it from a single story unheated shack with two bedrooms and one bath to a year-round house with three floors, five bedrooms, four baths, and a garage apartment in back. We like our space.

Despite our ever-expanding beach house, however, we’ve only spent weekends and summer vacation weeks there. Our primary home for 28 years has been in Nutley. So, in other words, until now, we’ve been what the locals call bennies – tourists who visit the area only during the summer season.

I thought benny (or bennie), referred to the fact that seasonal visitors are only interested in taking advantage of the “benefits” of the shore during the warm weather. Others say it’s short for “benefactors” because these perennial tourists collectively spend so much money in Jersey Shore towns. Another theory, according to Wikipedia, is it’s an acronym derived from the fact that most such tourists come from in or around Bayonne, Elizabeth, Newark, and New York.

Since Nutley is a suburb of Newark, that makes us bennies.

We haven’t even moved in yet, but lately we’ve been spending a lot more time in Bradley Beach, and suddenly I realize why locals historically hate the bennies. For instance, in April and May there was always a parking space in the street right in front of my house. If I had to make a quick run to the supermarket, I could hop in my car, and make the mile and a half drive in three minutes flat. No problem.

No more. After the unofficial kickoff of the season on Memorial Day, weekend parking spaces on the street (at least on sunny weekends) are nonexistent. That’s really not a problem for us, because we’re fortunate enough to have a driveway. But pulling out is a total crapshoot. Because the bennies‘ cars are parked bumper to bumper without a millimeter to spare right up to both edges of our driveway, it’s impossible to see oncoming traffic as you pull out. To get any sight line down the street, you have to extend the front (or back) of your car past the parked cars, directly into the lane of travel.

Twice last weekend, as I inched out of my driveway, I had to jam on the brakes to avoid being slammed by benny-full vehicles barreling down the street without a clue or a care in the world. They didn’t even beep – just swerved and kept rolling. Both had New York plates.

At the supermarket on Saturday morning I was sixth in line at the checkout counter, and each customer ahead of me wore a Yankees cap, or a sleeveless t-shirt with loud boxer bathing trunks, or sneakers with black socks, or all of the above. Their carts were full of chips, cold cuts, salsa, and soda. Bennies, all.

We went out to dinner, and had to wait an hour for a table at a restaurant that in May had been begging for our business. A stop at the ice cream shop for dessert afterwards featured squalling babies, squabbling siblings, and their weary sunburned parents hoping to anesthetize the kids with fat and sugar for the long ride home. Bennies, again.

There’s no doubt that the Jersey Shore is a great place to be during the summer. But during the off season, when it’s unclogged by bennies, it’s a virtual paradise. Once you spend even a portion of the off-season at the Jersey Shore, you get spoiled by the convenience of unfettered access to parking, shopping, restaurants, movies, and more.

When I was a benny, I scoffed at the locals’ proprietary attitude toward their parking spaces, and dismissed as selfish their sense of entitlement to immediate service at restaurants and retail stores. Come on, I thought – people like us are pumping cash by the millions into your local economy! You should be thankful, not scornful, that I’m here at all.

Now that I’m becoming a local, however, I’ve wised up. The bennies are only fair-weather friends, here to enjoy the amenities while the sun shines. But the locals – now me – are here for the long haul, through the rain, wind, snow, ice and whatever other nasty weather nature may throw our way during the long off-season. For that, I’m entitled to my own parking space.

But only until the end of May.

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The Treadmill: A Fast Run-in-Place, to Slow Down Time

02 Tuesday Jul 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Men

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Bob Smith, Men, The Write Side of 50, treadmill

treadmillBY BOB SMITH

For the past twenty years or so, I’ve run on a treadmill, for 45 minutes straight, at least three to four days a week. I started doing it shortly after I turned 35 to avoid a heart attack, figuring that if I took care of the single most important muscle in my body, it would take care of me. Depending on my mood (and speed), I’ll cover anywhere from three to four miles a day. And it’s worked so far-no heart attacks yet. Knock wood.

But believe me, I have no love whatsoever for running – on a treadmill or anywhere for that matter. Your heart is pounding, you’re breathing heavy, you’re sweating profusely – it’s like having sex minus all the pleasure. Even with the TV screen that’s attached to every treadmill in any self-respecting modern gym, it’s still the most boring activity on earth. But I can’t run on the street, having learned years ago that my shins splinter from repeated impact on a hard surface. So to get the aerobic benefits of running, I’m stuck with the treadmill.

Lately, however, I’ve come to look at it in a different light. If you think about it, the treadmill is the ultimate time machine. Use it regularly, and you’ll probably live longer (Although there’s no guarantee. Remember Jim Fixx, one of the early popular exercise gurus, who dropped dead of a heart attack at age 52 while jogging?) But whether you live longer or not, it definitely feels that way. Time literally slows down when you step on the treadmill. The same thing happens when you settle into the dentist chair, and he or she revs up the drill – smiling and bearing down for that first chiggering bite into the enamel.

Any other half hour of your life could pass with you hardly noticing, which probably explains why: you’re not paying attention most of the time, so time flies by. But when you’re on the treadmill, running to keep up with the machine, you have to concentrate on every step, every second, or you’ll fall flat on your face. It’s a matter of focus – time seems to pass more slowly because you’re acutely aware of each moment as it ripens from the present into the past.

It’s like the old joke about why married men live longer. They don’t – it just feels that way. Actually, some say married men live longer because they’re hanging on, waiting for their wives to die, so they can enjoy being single again. The treadmill is the same thing – you hang on, waiting for the seconds and minutes and miles to tick by so you can stop, and be normal again.

If only there were a way to live that way all the time. After all, if focusing on the unpleasantness of jogging balloons each minute into a mini eternity, why couldn’t focusing on the joy in other fun stuff we do have a similar effect and make life that much more enjoyable? Unfortunately, things don’t seem to work out that way. We seem to be wired to have time trickle by slower than molasses in January, when life is painful or hard. But when things are fun, the hours scatter, and disappear like dandelion seeds in a summer breeze.

I think I’ll get up tomorrow, and hit the treadmill, and then try to hang on to that focus for the rest of the day. If you see me walking around with a big smile on my face for no apparent reason, you’ll know why.

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I’ve Seen the Writing on the (Bathroom) Wall

24 Monday Jun 2013

Posted by WS50 in Art, Men

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Art, Bob Smith, Men

Philosophy in the Loo.

Philosophy in the Loo. By Julie Seyler.

BY BOB SMITH

Bathroom graffiti was an art form in the ’70s, and nowhere was it more varied and interesting than in the men’s rooms at Rutgers University. Of course, there were the crude illustrations of exaggerated phalluses, assorted orifices, and the two, conjoined, drawn with varying degrees of skill. But it was the wordplay that got me. I recall a wry trilogy of quotes:

“To be is to do.” Socrates
“To do is to be.” Sartre
“Do be do be do.” Sinatra

Today, online, they sell t-shirts that display those quotes.

Or a couplet, beginning with this plaintive cry in a looping, extravagant script: “My mother made me a homosexual!”

To which some wag replied: “Cool. If I send her the wool, do you think she’ll make me one too?”

There were also pithy declarations: “Patty Schasty does the nasty.”  

Which could be viewed as a slur. or an endorsement, depending on your point of view. Ms. Schasty’s purported phone number accompanied the post, but I didn’t take it down. I wonder if anyone ever calls those numbers? It’s like a country song about loneliness – your phone number’s on the bathroom wall but you still can’t get a date.

Once I saw a listing of 40 slang terms for female genitalia, all in different handwriting. They ranged from disgustingly misogynistic to poetic, and after a week had spawned a companion list, equally extensive, covering the male organ. Puerile?  Absolutely. But fascinating, too, to see how much mental energy people expend on the subject.

One incident was particularly disturbing. I was in the basement bathroom of the main library one afternoon, using the facilities and enjoying the artwork on the stall wall.   To my right, above the roll of toilet paper, was the notation, “Right here Wednesday 4 p.m. good time had by all!”  As I toyed with whether that was a historical note or an invitation to a future meeting, someone noisily entered the adjacent stall. I realized with a jolt that this was Wednesday. I checked my watch – 3:55.

As my new neighbor went about the usual business, I wondered: is this anyone’s idea of a romantic setting? I made ready to exit, but as I hastily pawed at the roll of paper I hit the separating wall twice, making noises that a hopeful suitor might easily interpret as an eager knock.  My heart sank – there seemed to be a corresponding rush to paper on the other side.

I quickly exited the stall, strode to the sink with eyes downcast, and began washing my hands. The occupant of the adjacent stall appeared alongside me, and began to do the same. I considered furtively glancing to my right to see if he was checking me out but realized that if he were, and if he saw me do that, wouldn’t he think I was checking him out? Is that the drill?  Furtive glance followed by knowing wink followed by an invitation to my stall or yours?  Yikes!

Luckily, he finished washing his hands, and simply walked out, clearly not seeking a rendezvous. I left quickly too, afraid the true author of the scrawled invitation might show up slightly late, searching for love. I had washed my hands thoroughly, but I still felt slightly soiled.

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Thirty One Years Since, “I Do”

18 Tuesday Jun 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Men, wedding anniversary

bob maria

Maria, when we first met. And that’s me chortling in the background.

BY BOB SMITH

Thirty-one years ago, I changed my life with two words: “I do.” Maria and I got married in the courthouse in Paterson because it was too much trouble to have my first marriage annulled so we could get married in a church. The contrast between my second wedding day and my first was striking. At the time of my first marriage (when I was 24 years old), I was terrified, nervous, and not at all sure I was doing the right thing. On the morning of that first wedding day I had a strange itching sensation on my back. I peeled off my dress shirt to let my Dad have a look, and he announced that my back was covered with hives.

“You’re just nervous, Bobby.” He laughed.

I’d never had them before, and I haven’t had them since. The marriage, a mistake, lasted barely three years. The morning of my second marriage, June 18, 1982, was warm and sunny. I was excited and nervous – this time in a good way – as I put on my suit in the garden apartment we’d rented in anticipation of the wedding. I bounded down the steps, and came upon Mr. Coley, an older gentleman who shared the downstairs apartment with his wife and small dog. He was just coming out of his door with a bag of trash in one hand, and the leash in the other.

“Heyyyy … where you rushing off to like that?”

“I’m gettin married,” Mr. Coley. “Today. Right now. To Maria!”

I rushed past him out the door, barely hearing his startled congratulations, happier than I’ve ever been. Not a hive in sight.

We have never looked back. That’s not to say it’s always been easy – there are plenty of ups and downs in 31 years. For instance, my parents, Maria’s parents, and her grandparents all attended our courtroom wedding ceremony, and the modest reception that followed. Of that group of six, only my mom is still alive.

On the other hand, we’ve conceived and raised three amazing children along the way. Now it’s all a jumbled memory of dirty diapers, skinned knees, school concerts, soccer games, class projects, plays, squabbles over toys, broken hearts, holidays, homework, family vacations, sleepover parties, learning to ride bikes, learning to drive cars, and packing off to college. Maria and I have been together through all that and more, sharing our energy and experience and love, and making this house a home.

I was 27 going on 28 when we got married in 1982, looking ahead to being 30, and “all grown up.” Now I’m 58 looking at 59, having grown up along the way, and wondering what the next phase of life will bring. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. Just as we did 31 years ago, we’ll join hands and move on, happy and content with each other, and trusting that’s all we’ll need to face whatever lies ahead.

My younger son, now 23, mentioned the other day that Maria and I might get tired of one other one of these days. I’ve now been with her more than half my life, and she’s as much a part of me as my hands, legs, or eyes. Would I ever “get tired” of them? Not a chance.

Here’s to you, Maria. And us. And 31 more.

bob today

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