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The Write Side of 59

Tag Archives: Bob Smith

I Don’t Man-Up for the Super Bowl

31 Thursday Jan 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

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Bob Smith, Men, opinion, Super Bowl, The Write Side of 50

Football from the outside in

Football from the outside in. By Julie Seyler.

BY BOB SMITH

I failed as a baseball pitcher because of a bad attitude. I didn’t have the athletic skills for basketball or soccer. And I lacked both the skills and raw physical aggression needed for football. As a result, I was never particularly interested in watching other people play those games.

I don’t regularly watch any sport, for that matter. But I make an exception for the Super Bowl, because it’s a championship game where the best teams are playing really hard, there are cool commercials, and an interesting halftime show. And best of all – greasy snacks. But otherwise, because I was never very good at sports myself, I’m pretty much a non-watcher of televised sports.

It started when I played Little League baseball as a boy. They made me pitch, because as a left-hander, it was natural for me to sling the ball across my body from left to right. The pitch started high, looking like a strike, but then it slid down low and inside against right-handed batters – really hard to hit.

But if the ball was hit back to me, whether in the air or on the ground, I couldn’t catch it worth a lick. And at the plate, I struck out almost every time. Worse yet, I was a perfectionist – I thought that unless I struck out every batter, I was a failure. So as soon as anyone got a hit I got angry and threw harder, losing all control. I issued walk after walk, loading the bases.

Wise guys supporting the other team would start to chant: “Pitcher’s crackin’ uh-up! Pitcher’s crackin’ uh-up!,” and I’d get madder, throwing even more erratically, proving them right. The coach would yank me, and I’d sit in the dugout pissed off for the rest of the game.

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The Price I Pay for Aging, Achy, Unbendable Knees

21 Monday Jan 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

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Bob Smith, Knees, The Write Side of 50

knees knees

Art by Julie Seyler.

BY BOB SMITH

I remember, as a boy, occasional nights lying in bed when my thighs – not the muscles, mind you, the bones themselves – were sore for no apparent reason.

“Growing pains,” Mom would say, summing up the cause, and dismissing my concerns in one stroke. “You’ll outgrow them.”

She was right. By the time I was a teenager, the soreness had stopped. And it stayed away, for the most part, until three years ago when I turned 55. I want to say that suddenly the pain returned, but that would be wrong. In truth, it gradually, almost imperceptibly, insinuated itself back into my life.

First it was a tightness in the calves after running. I did extra stretches, stood in the warm shower a few minutes longer, and learned to live with it. Then it was a tender Achilles tendon that visited my left ankle for a few days before switching over, as a change of pace, for a week’s sojourn on my right. Those pains disappeared, only to be replaced by a dull ache in both knees that arrived one damp Saturday morning. I hopped out of bed and immediately winced.

“What’s wrong?” my wife asked as I throttled down to a slow shuffle and expressed mild dismay. Actually, I believe I hissed, “Shit that hurts!” Or something along those lines.

“What is it?” she repeated, concerned yet remaining firmly ensconced under the covers.

“My knees are sore.”

“Maybe you ran too much yesterday.” (This from a non-runner.)

“They shouldn’t hurt like this.”

“You’re getting older. You have to expect this kind of thing.” (This from someone two years younger than me.) She burrowed deeper into the sheets. “You’ll get over it.”

Fantastic – I’ve outgrown growing pains and graduated to growing-old pains. But these are fundamentally different from the occasional bone pains I’d experienced as a child – those would come and go. These come and stay. They not only stay – they get comfortable. They establish happy residence in one joint or another, and then branch out from there.

tin man 2For instance – the sore knees, after announcing themselves as a nearly crippling acute condition, settled down after a couple of weeks to a merely annoying chronic ache. I’m now the Tin Man: if I stay too long in one position I get stiff and creaky.

Standing up after an hour at my desk is no longer a mundane act; it’s a process. I have to rise slowly, then hobble gingerly until the lubrication in my knees starts to flow. If you’re old enough to recall the early ’60s sitcom, “The Real McCoys,” you may remember how Walter Brennan’s character, Amos McCoy, limped around with that endearing hitch in his step. Now I know why – no Advil.

In deference to my iffy knees, I’ve even had to adjust how I get out of a car. I used to swing one leg out, then pivot on that front foot as I lifted my other leg out and took a step forward. I would slam the door behind me – sometimes with a cavalier kick of that trailing foot – and walk away. The process took three seconds; less if I was in a rush.

No more – now my knee screams if I try to pivot like that. And worse, a couple of times as I tried to one-foot it out of the car after a rainstorm, my leg gave out, my leading foot skidded out from under me, and I was forced to plop back onto the edge of the seat to avoid falling on my ass in the parking lot. No one saw it happen, but it was embarrassing nonetheless. And oh yeah – it hurt too.

So I’ve adopted a new routine: I open the door, turn my body so it squarely faces the opening, and place both feet firmly on the ground. Then I stand with my weight evenly distributed over both feet, and shuffle in place to test the ground for slickness. Only then do I hitch away – Amos McCoy personified. The process takes eight seconds, and feels like more if I’m in a rush.

The sore knees brought a friend, too. Shortly after they arrived, I developed an annoying pain in my right thigh that radiated from my tailbone down the entire back of my leg. After a month visiting my leg, that pain moved into permanent chronic residence in the center of my lower back. Now I get a handy reminder twinge if I bend over too quickly to tie my shoes or pick up a coin off the floor.coins

Hey no problem – just avoid that movement. I prop my foot up on a chair to tie my shoe, and crouch down instead of bending over from the waist to retrieve the occasional errant coin that’s fallen from my hand. Of course, I wince as I crouch because of the sore knees, but that’s a small price to pay to recover my spare change – usually. It’s actually not worth crouching through the sore knees, or bending and provoking a flare of back pain, if the change on the ground is less than a quarter. When the pain is worse, or if I drop coins as I’m exiting a car and the ground is damp that day, anything less than a buck is left behind.

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School Drills, Past and Present, Never Child’s Play

07 Monday Jan 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

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Bob Smith, Men, school drills, The Write Side of 50

A civil defense educational video on school preparedness for nuclear war in the 1950s.

BY BOB SMITH

I attended grammar school in Northern New Jersey during the early 1960s when the Cold War was in full bloom, with Nikita Khrushchev pounding his shoe on the desk at the United Nations and threatening to bury us all.

Teachers and schoolchildren, today, live in fear of random attacks by madmen with automatic weapons. Today’s threat is intensely personal – the shooter, often acting alone, stalks the halls and brutally murders innocents, one by one, at close range. The threat in the 1950s and 1960s was entirely anonymous – intercontinental ballistic missiles bearing nuclear warheads would launch from an ocean away and descend from the sky, killing millions.

Some elementary schools now have armed guards or run lockdown drills, in which the lights are turned off, classrooms are locked, and students hunker down in the dark, hoping the door doesn’t open. We were afraid, just as schoolchildren today may be, as we, too, prepared for the unthinkable.

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The Un-Friendly on Facebook: Ex-Wife, Peeing Dog, and Smeared Pudding

03 Thursday Jan 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Men

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, Facebook, Men, The Write Side of 50

BY BOB SMITH

Bob FBI recently got a Facebook friend request from my ex-wife. Isn’t that oxymoronic? We couldn’t be friends in the real world, so why is it okay to be electronic, virtual friends? Christ, if we didn’t have to actually spend time together we might still be married. Maybe it’s the nature of electronic friendship. In the pre-Internet world I grew up in, real-world friends were people who were there for you, as in physically proximate; nearby – not just out there somewhere. With virtual friends, on the other hand, it doesn’t matter a bit where they’re physically located because most of them don’t have a real-world relationship anyway. And friends actually like each other, don’t they? That was the main reason my ex-wife and I split up – we didn’t. But virtual friendship doesn’t require sharing any true affection; each “friend” just has to be curious about what the other person’s up to. If you post enough facts and photos on your Facebook page, your “friends” can peruse your entire life without making contact at all – apart from stroking the keyboard.

What do we get out of these remote non-relationships? I just went through Facebook and took a tour through the lives of a number of my electronic friends. I saw the following:

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What We Are Doing New Year’s Eve

31 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by WS50 in Art

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Art, Bob Smith, Frank Terranella, Julie Seyler, Lois DeSocio, New Year's Eve, The Write Side of 50

music_symbol2“What are you doing New Year’s Eve?”
Lois will be dancing; Julie will be swinging; Bob might be sleeping; Frank, if he’s lucky, could be kissing.

Click below to see:

Glossi.com - What Are You Doing New Year's Eve
Click to view What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve

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O Christmas Tree!

24 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Art, Concepts

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, Christmas Tree, Concepts, Frank Terranella, Julie Seyler, Lois DeSocio, The Write Side of 50

Rockefeller Center Tree with silver and gold flags

Photo by Julie Seyler.

It’s hard to deny the joy of a Christmas tree. Of course, they smell great, and they can be dressed up, or not. But they also often reflect individual personalities, and provoke memories.

Read on:

xmas2

Lois: There’s been news lately about how plant pathologists and Christmas tree farmers are working on building a better Christmas tree, including, ” … how to cultivate a tree that will last from Thanksgiving until after New Year’s.” I will be first in line if this super tree, with super “needle-retention,” hits my local tree farm. Growing up, our family tradition was to live with our spruce for one day. One day! We bought it, put it up and decorated it on Christmas Eve, and it was kicked to the curb by December 26. I was always sad to see the tree go. I wanted it to be a permanent part of our living room. So ever since I’ve had my own living room, and have been in charge of my own tree – my tradition became: put it up before December 1, and leave it up at least until my birthday – January 9th. Who cares that the evergreen is no longer (its needles become trimmed in brown), and the crashing of falling ornaments and lights is a daily post-Christmas sound in my house. This year, I want to leave it up until spring, when my youngest son will be coming home from studying in England. I want him to come home to Christmas. I want his presents to be under a tree. Maybe by March, I may have to move it outside for a bit (or maybe I can figure out how to rig that “IV drip,” that those plant pathologists have been contemplating as a possibility for tree longevity), but this year, my tree will somehow jingle all the way to May.

a 1968 Christmas
Julie: I am Jewish – not quite religious – but it is my heritage and identity. When I was about six years old, in 1961, my mother, a 31-year-old divorcee, was dating Ed. He later became her husband. But this story took place during their dating days. He could not believe she was not going to put up a Christmas tree for her two daughters. She, on the other hand, could not bear the thought of having a Christmas tree in her home. I mean, really, it went against her whole upbringing, and what would her mother think? But on this particular occasion, he won the battle by promising he would purchase and deliver a tree without any participation on her part. And he did.

At 7:00 on Christmas Eve he dramatically threw a tree in the front door of our garden apartment in Red Bank, New Jersey and proclaimed: “Here’s your d__ tree.” Now Ed never ever cursed, but the tree had fallen off the roof of his yellow Vauxhall on Route 35 in the middle of rush-hour traffic, and he wanted my mother to know the ordeal he had gone through for her and her kids. My sister and I really didn’t care because we had our tree, and we thought it was beautiful. We set out cookies for Santa, hung up socks as stockings, and went to bed (not really believing that Santa would visit). About 4 a.m., we woke up, and lo and behold, the cookies were gone, the stockings were full, and there were all these presents under the tree. We opened the biggest. It was a Barbie Doll Dream House! We ran in to wake my mother, who had only gone to bed two hours before because she was getting everything ready. But she had to get up; she had to assemble that dream house right now!!! So with bleary eyes, she did our bidding and such is how that memory, from 51 years ago, is set in my mind.

christmas tree bob

Bob: Dad would always buy a Christmas tree from Uncle Gus, who owned a garden center, because he gave him a great price. He would put it up in the corner of our living room, perched in a rickety metal stand with three green metal legs and a red hemispherical pan. I couldn’t decide whether it looked more like a flying saucer from a cheesy science fiction movie or a World War I doughboy helmet.

We loaded it with ornaments and strands of lights with heavy glass bulbs that screwed into brown plastic sockets – gigantic, clunky things compared to today’s plastic pop-in bulbs. The tinsel wasn’t strung on garlands, either – it was individual metallic strands that we carefully draped over each bough.

When it was all done, I would lie on my back underneath the tree so that my entire field of vision was filled with branches, tinsel, and blinking lights. One string of lights was a train with an old-fashioned steam locomotive, its tender piled high with painted coal, and a cheerful red caboose chugging off into the forest above my head. I would close my eyes, and bask in the warm piney smell and the energy of the splendor inches above me, and it would feel like Christmas.

frank xmas

Frank: All through my childhood, my parents had a small artificial Christmas tree that they put on a table. Santa put our presents under the table. Then, when I was 14, our artificial Christmas tree went up for what would be the last time. A week after Christmas, my father died. The artificial tree was still up, of course, and many of the horrible memories of my father’s death and the aftermath had that Christmas tree in the background. So it was not a difficult decision for my mother to throw out the tree soon afterward. The next Christmas we got our first real Christmas tree. It was a gorgeous blue spruce, whose top scraped the ceiling in our living room. I can still remember the beautiful smell. It was all totally new to our house. It was fresh and alive, just like we were. My mother, brother and I had a wonderful time picking it out, setting it up and even tending to the water in the base. It was a terrific Christmas. And then, a few days after after Christmas, our cat Willy, for whom the tree was as new as it was for us, could no longer contain himself. He climbed the tree right to the top and it promptly tipped over. Instead of being angry, we simply laughed at the startled tabby. And we had real Christmas trees every year after that.

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My 40th High School Reunion: Same Cast, Acting Like Adults

17 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, Men, Reunion, The Write Side of 50

RobertSmith1

BY BOB SMITH

Because of the decline I might see in my classmates, and by the same token, what they might see in me, I was rightly apprehensive about attending my 40th high school reunion recently. As expected, our bodies are flabbier, our hair is grayer, and our faces are more wrinkled.

Bob today

But it was also strangely comforting, because the cast of characters have remained essentially the same.
There’s the gay guy all the straight guys hated in high school because the girls loved him when they would hardly give the rest of us the time of day. Here he is again – well-groomed, neatly-dressed, smiling and drawing women in like moths to a flame. And all for naught. All for friendship.

The pretty girl, who was really smart, is now a super-accomplished professional something-or-other, and her eyes are pulled three quarters of an inch closer to her ears on either side. Yes, she’s had some work done. She still looks pretty. But with eyes that shape, she might be mistaken for one of the Siamese cats from “Lady and the Tramp.”

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That New York Post Subway Cover

10 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Men, Opinion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, New York Post, subway photo, The Write Side of 50

P1120277

Was the December 4 New York Post subway photo too much for the front page?
Collage by Julie Seyler

BY BOB SMITH

On December 4, 2012, the New York Post ran on its cover a dramatic photo of a man about to meet his death from a subway train. According to the December 6 issue of the Post, the killer claimed the victim “attacked” him, “grabbed” him, was “drunk,” and “threatened to kill him.” The killer threw the victim onto the subway tracks and into the path of an incoming train, which was unable to stop, and crushed him to death between the train and the platform as he vainly struggled to pull himself to safety.  The event was tragic and, the Post’s publication of the photo has rightly been universally denounced as barbaric, gruesomely voyeuristic, and cruel.

This is nothing new for the Post, which regularly prints (and illustrates, with graphic photos, if possible) the most fantastic and grotesque stories, following the old newspaper adage that, “If it bleeds, it leads.”  And I’m sure the Post believes that the current controversy also falls squarely under the rubric that no publicity is bad publicity.  We have come to expect this level of amorality from the Post.

I hesitate to discuss the photo, its meaning, or the motives of those behind it for fear of dignifying the Post’s conduct.  In fact, using any form of the word “dignity” in reference to the New York Post seems wrong.  But still the incident bears scrutiny.

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Hanging On to (And Finally Letting Go Of) the Chooba Diamond

05 Wednesday Dec 2012

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Franki Valli and the Four Seasons, Men, The Write Side of 50

the chooba diamond- drawing by Julie Seyler

A Little Chooba Diamond on Her Hand.
Drawing by Julie Seyler

BY BOB SMITH

Have you ever heard of the Chooba diamond? I invented it when I was 11.
In 1965, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons had a pretty big hit on pop radio with a song called, “Let’s Hang On.” It’s a bouncy anthem about love gone wrong featuring Valli’s powerful falsetto, and one of the verses begins like this:

That little chip of diamond on your hand
Ain’t a fortune baby but you know it stands
For the love (A love to tie and bind ya)
Such a love (We just can’t leave behind us) …

The chorus exhorts the girlfriend to:

Hang on to what we’ve got
Don’t let go girl, we got a lot
Got a lotta love between us
Hang on, hang on, hang on
To what we’ve got.”

Somehow, I misunderstood the first line of that verse.  I thought Frankie said, “that little Chooba diamond on your hand,” instead of “chip of:”

I’d had zero experience with diamonds (or engagement rings, or girls, for that matter), so I  assumed Chooba was a designation of origin for a rare type of diamond unknown to me.  The “ain’t a fortune baby” line made sense because he did say “little,” after all.  So in my quaint understanding, Frankie had purchased an engagement ring for his girl set with a minuscule, but nonetheless highly-prized and mysterious, “Chooba diamond.”

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I Don’t Want the Discount

29 Thursday Nov 2012

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, movies, senior discount, The Write Side of 50

There’s nothing special about getting the senior discount at the movies.
Snapped by Julie Seyler

BY BOB SMITH

I just turned 58 years old, my wife is 56, and we’re fairly well-preserved, as they say. I have salt-and-pepper hair, lately more salt than pepper, but my face is relatively wrinkle-free and, if I do say so myself, I am reasonably attractive. The same is true of my wife Maria, who has a fantastic tan all summer and whose hair is even more brown than mine.

This past summer we went to the movies with Maria’s sister and her husband, who are both in their early 50s – which means the sunny side of 55. We agreed that the latest mindless mid-summer action flick would be an appropriate diversion for a cloudy day, and set off.

We got to the theater, one of these strip mall, ten-screen multiplexes, and stood patiently in line. When our turn came, I stepped up to the window and spoke through a metal grille in the glass to the worker inside. She appeared to be in her early 20s, dressed in torn jeans and a funky tattered shirt. Her attention appeared to be fairly evenly divided between issuing tickets and responding to whatever messages were popping up on the screen of the smart phone that lay on the counter, directly under her downcast gaze.

“Two adults for ‘Summer Action Movie,'” I said, sliding a twenty into the round, silver depression under the glass.

She looked up for a millisecond from the phone screen (someone was LOL about something, or no doubt would be soon) to grab the $20. As she slid it toward the cash drawer, she glanced at my face, punched a button on the console that caused two tickets to pop out of a slot in the counter, and began to make change. She ripped off the tickets, counted out my change, and slid the pile back through the hole in the glass.

“Enjoy yuh show,” she mumbled without conviction, smiling faintly as her eyes dropped to discover that one of her friends, someplace, was now LMAO.

The entire transaction had taken perhaps five seconds.

We were a bit early for the movie, which didn’t start for 40 minutes, which meant we would have to endure some shopping time in the adjacent strip mall. As we strolled across the parking lot, I remarked that going to the movies in mid-afternoon had its benefits, as I noticed that I had gotten more than the usual change back from my $20 bill.

“Must be an early bird special,” I joked.

“Wait a minute,” my sister-in-law said. “We got charged three dollars more than you.”

“That can’t be,” I said, reaching for her tickets. Sure enough, their tickets showed a price of $10 each, whereas ours were only $8.50. They were identical, I thought, until I saw that sinister two-letter abbreviation following the reduced price: “SR.”

I had gotten the senior discount! Without even asking for it! Without even being asked my age!

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