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The Write Side of 59

~ This is What Happens When You Begin to Age Out of Middle Age

The Write Side of 59

Category Archives: Confessional

I’m Not a ‘Senior,’ But I Have My Moments

16 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by WS50 in Confessional

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

confessional, Margo D. Beller, The Write Side of 50

Margo junior moment

Birding is one thing that trumps those “senior moments.”

BY MARGO D. BELLER

A few weeks ago, I was writing an e-mail to a friend that my older niece, who only the other day fit comfortably in the crook of my arm, is getting married. I was merrily typing along, and then went back to re-read what I wrote. As a copy editor, that’s second nature.

I was shocked by what I saw. As I speed-typed along, I had put in words that sounded like, but were not the words I’d intended, dropped letters or words, and transposed letters. It looked like someone’s cat had walked across the keyboard.

I’m sure that, like me, you’ve dashed off an e-mail, briefly scanned it, and then hit “send” only to later see you’d put in an extra letter or dropped a few. Most people don’t care about this. In my line of work, such errors could get me fired.

That’s bad enough. I’ve also been guilty of walking into the kitchen to do something, get about halfway in, and then not remember why I came. I am forced to backtrack, and hope something will remind me. Senior moment.

I don’t consider myself a senior. Seniors are people over 65 – what used to be retirement age until the 2008 recession wiped out enough of our nest eggs to force us to keep working. But someone – no doubt under the age of 50 – coined the phrase “senior moment” and that has stuck.

My mother-in-law recently turned 80. For a long time she feared she was going the way of her mother, who died after years of Alzheimer’s. Now, she doesn’t care. Her excuse for whatever she forgot: “senior moment” trips off her tongue.

I’ve gotten into my car, and started driving and then pulled over in a panic, unable to remember my route. No, I don’t use GPS, I use my brain. And a map in the glove compartment.

Working out how to overcome these moments is an exercise in memory, like doing crossword puzzles. As with physical exercise, it’s hard work.

I’ve tried to slow down. When I write, I wait for the software program to alert me, in red, that I’ve misspelled something, although that doesn’t work if I write “punish” when I mean “publish” or drop several words I’d intended to include. Before I leave for someplace, I work out the route in my head. It forces me to cope. And then I come home to do more crossword puzzles.

However, I do not get senior moments when it comes to birds. I know which “life birds” I’ve seen, and which I’m seeking. I know the areas where I can successfully find particular birds depending on the season. I remember where they like to hang out, their calls and field marks. There is no stress involved, and it’s something I love to do.

 That must be the connection.

Allow me to coin the phrase “junior moment” for those times when you are doing something you enjoy, and feeling like a kid again.

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Years Disappear When Family Shows Up

14 Tuesday Jan 2014

Posted by WS50 in Confessional, Men

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confessional, Family reunion, Frank Terranella, Men, The Write Side of 50

BY FRANK TERRANELLA

Cousins Joe and

Cousins Joe and Kevin.

After more than half a century on the planet, the odds are that each of us has made some friends with whom we have lost touch for many years. The amazing thing is that when we finally get together, often it seems like no time has passed at all. I found out recently that the good-friend phenomenon extends to some family members as well.

Those who read this blog regularly may remember that in 2013, after 40 years, I met up with my cousin in Denmark who shares the same name . Well, it so happens that he has two brothers, Joe and Kevin, whom I also have not seen for long periods of time. I last saw my cousin Joe in 1987, and my cousin Kevin in 1977. There was no reason for the lack of personal contact – we were all just living our lives. Our common grandparents had died, and we just lost touch.

So when my cousin Joe’s wife Loretta contacted me via Facebook a few years back, it was a pleasant surprise. Joe had married Loretta after the last time I had seen him, so Loretta and I had never met. But she found me on Facebook, and we kept in touch that way.

Then, in December 2013, Loretta let me know she was planning a surprise 65th party for Joe. She didn’t expect me to come. She was just hoping I would write a message that she would place in a book of good wishes she was preparing to give Joe for his birthday. But I recognized that we are all at an age when we can’t be sure there will ever be another opportunity to get together. Illness or other impediments might make it impossible sometime soon. So after talking it over with my wife, we decided to fly for the weekend from New Jersey down to Charlotte, North Carolina, where Joe and Loretta make their home.

We were booked to fly down early on Saturday morning, and home on Sunday night.

That Thursday night, a snowstorm hit New Jersey. On Friday, we dug out from the six inches of snow and packed our bags. Saturday morning we awoke to a temperature of 8 degrees and headed to the airport with our fingers crossed that the flight would not be canceled. It turned out that not only did the flight leave on time, we arrived early. The 38 degree temperature we were greeted with in Charlotte seemed tropical by comparison.

That night we found our way to the site of the surprise party, and were greeted by Joe’s daughter, Leslie. My wife and I had met up with Leslie in 2012, but before that, we had not seen her since she was six. It’s interesting to see how kids turn out, and Leslie has turned out great. Of course, I missed all the drama years in between 6 and 32. I think that old adage about not wanting to see how the sausage is made applies to kids as well. It’s the end product that matters.

Two Pats

Pat met Pat.

Soon, other guests arrived, including my cousin Kevin. As soon as he walked into the room I knew him, even though I had not seen him in almost 37 years. We embraced, and began to catch up on each other’s lives. Kevin introduced his wife, Pat, and I introduced my wife, Pat. It was a “Pat Terranella meet Pat Terranella” moment that reminded me of my meeting with the other Frank Terranella in Denmark last year.

Kevin and I found that we both married our Pats in the same year – 1978. Then came the main event. My cousin Joe entered the room to a thunderous “Surprise!” and a round of “Happy Birthday.” I was standing towards the back of the room with my cousin Kevin. Joe immediately spotted me and called out my name. As with Kevin, we embraced and began the process of updating each other.

It was amazing how the years fell away. We were soon reminiscing about our youth spent at Lake Hopatcong, and remembering our common grandparents. By the end of the night, it was just as if Kevin, Joe and I had seen each other regularly for all those
decades.

I was happy we had made the effort to fly in for the party. It felt good to re-establish some old relationships. It felt that the karmic balance had been restored and I think our grandfather, the senior Frank Terranella, was smiling down on “his boys.”

But, of course, no good deed goes unpunished. Our flight back was delayed seven hours, and we got home at 3:30 Monday morning. Maybe our next reunion will be in New Jersey.

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Bursting (Pants Included) Through the Holidays

10 Friday Jan 2014

Posted by WS50 in Confessional, Food, Men

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Food, Holidays, Men, The Write Side of 50

the holidays

BY BOB SMITH

Okay, it’s over. I’m 10 pounds overweight, feeling miserable, and resolving, like 29 million other Americans, to fight off the ravages of the recent holidays before (or rather, as) I bust out of my pants. I’ve got to at least put a dent in it before I have to put on a bathing suit again. And that could be as early as next month if I get my wish to go to Florida for the second half of this ugly New Jersey winter.

I admit it – I’m a victim of that giant end-of-year holiday “Hallothanksmaseveday,” which starts with the candy and costume ads on October 1, and runs right through to the blowing of the last noisemaker early on the morning of January 1. Four holidays are telescoped into a dizzying three-month orgy of candy, turkey, pumpkin pie, cookies, sugarplums (whatever they are), hams, yams, nog, logs (cheese and Yule), lights on trees, gifts galore, champagne, shrimp, long brunches, and tall Bloody Marys.

We’ve now entered a brief no-holiday season. Sure, there’s Martin Luther King Day and football playoffs and the Super Bowl in early February, but otherwise, the stretch between New Year’s and mid-February is relatively holiday-free. That brief respite looks like my best chance to get a serious start on losing the holiday fat before the parade of celebrations begins again.

Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Mother’s Day, Easter, Father’s Day, Memorial Day, and the start of summer, followed by the Fourth of July – that covers February to mid-year. August and September are relatively light, with only the traditional Labor Day lamentation of summer’s end to break up the monotony. But throw in the occasional birthday, anniversary party, or wedding, and the summer can be full of overindulgence opportunities, too.

Then it’s October 1, and the holiday marketing machine cranks up “Hallothanksmaseveday” all over again. What a life.

Happy New Year!

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I’ve Faced It: I’m Wrinkled

09 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by WS50 in Confessional

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Tags

Birthday, confessional, Lois DeSocio, The Write Side of 50, Wrinkles

Headshot 2: 2014

BY LOIS DESOCIO

It’s my birthday. I’m 59.

This year, I’ve decided to blow up the face part of a photo a friend took of me this past New Year’s Eve, one half at a time, and post them both for all to see. So, way at the bottom of this post (and smaller, and awash in sepia tones), is the other half of the picture on the right. The wrinkled, droopy-eyed, and crooked-toothed half. I would never have done this on my 58th birthday.

I take great pains to make sure a bad picture of me never circulates past the delete button on a camera. I have always hated having my picture taken (“No look!” I would yell when I was two. “Don’t put me on Facebook!” I yell today), but I traditionally make sure I do something singular for myself on my birthday. So my gift to me this year is to get over it, already. Face it. Of course I have wrinkles. I’m practically 60.

Those of you who know me well are most likely aghast at my courage. This cannot be understated. I can be vain, and prefer to keep my fading face off the grid, and out of my mind. Obviously, it’s a sham that I’m as ageless as I am in my mind’s eye – walking around with an eternal youthful glow that doesn’t even need candlelight. But what’s the use of an imagination if not to blur lines?

But I’m also right-minded. And while a picture never lies, a picture is also all about the angle. So, for my birthday, I’m pointing my point of view on aging and all that it can do to a face as a good photographer does with a camera – towards the truth in the shot; the subtleties that underlie what is in plain sight. My truth in the shot below being: those extra-long facial fissures illustrate a lifetime of smiling. And, I’m practically 60.

In a recent article by Gina Kolata in The New York Times on a study of aging skin was this quote from scientist, Dr. Adele C. Green:

“After 55, aging’s effects on skin start to predominate.”

Translation: Unless you fill it, freeze it, or lift and tug your cheeks to the back of your head, your skin is going to pucker, furrow, fold and groove all the way to the grave.

So, at least for today, and until I have a chance to check out Retin-A, I will share my (yes, sepia-ed, but otherwise untouched) bad shot. It’s written all over my face – I’m practically 60.

Full wrinkled face

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Pill Bottles Keep Our Pills Tamper (and Open) Proof

06 Monday Jan 2014

Posted by WS50 in Confessional

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

confessional, Margo D. Beller, The Write Side of 50

margo bottle

There’s nothing “easy” about this seal.

BY MARGO D. BELLER

Many years ago, when my uncle and aunt would visit, they would come to breakfast with one of those large pill organizers, the kind with seven compartments labeled with the day of the week. They had to be careful to take the right pill in the right order at the right time, and make sure the right person took the right pill.

I used to chuckle at this. Now my husband and I do the same thing.

I’ve learned that there’s now nothing as mortifying to someone who’s young at heart as trying to open a pill bottle.

When MH and I travel, we have a smaller version of the seven-day pill organizer. I can fit many days’ worth of pills in those compartments – daily vitamins, calcium supplements, iron pills, thyroid pills. But we also need separate bottles for MH’s joint pills, and our fish oil supplements.

It’s a lot of pills.

In our youth, we got by with a daily vitamin. Then I had to start taking the thyroid pill. Then, over time, I needed iron for anemia; calcium for the bones. I started us on fish pills to make up for the fish I don’t often make for supper. MH’s joint pills came after a friend of ours told him how much they helped her sore knees. MH, with his own sore knees, swear they are helping.

MH and I are in reasonably good health, but it can be a struggle to get down some of the larger pills. It’s all over-the-counter stuff, except for the thyroid medicine.

All, however, have varying degrees of hassle attached to trying to get the bottles open the first time.

I understand it’s important to keep drugs, even vitamin supplements, from being compromised, and away from small children. People have died from tampering with everyday stuff, so make it harder to open the bottle.

Still, when I try to wrap my hands around a “tamper-proof, child-proof” cap, I want to scream.

The other day I had to open another new bottle of the thyroid pills. Press down, turn the cap – I’m used to that now. I can do it. But this time, there was something else under the cap – an “easy open” seal.

This was no easy-open seal.

Bad enough I have to turn to MH for help in opening jars that prove resistant to my efforts. That’s humbling. But being unable to pull apart an “easy open” seal? What the hey?

Finally, in frustration, I pushed down hard enough to break the seal – not exactly the way it was intended to be opened – and I could get to the pills.

It’s not just pills. Try to open a sealed, “easy-open,” package of cheese or dried cranberries lately? It’s ain’t easy, and won’t get easier.

I know there is no magic pill to restore the suppleness of a younger body, or to help me lose weight without eating less. But I could sure use one to strengthen my hands.

Presuming I could get the bottle open.

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A Farewell to Uncle Jimmy

03 Friday Jan 2014

Posted by WS50 in Confessional, Men

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Men, The Write Side of 50

bob jimmy

BY BOB SMITH

I always look forward to The New York Times year-end edition of its Sunday magazine, which is devoted to reviewing the sometimes fascinating lives of notable people who died during the year. But everyday people also died this year, and in their own ways, their lives are just as special.

Take Uncle Jimmy, my wife’s godfather. Jimmy was 98, or 99, depending on whom you ask, when he passed away in November. (He thought he was 99, aiming for triple digits in March 2014.) He was first cousin to Maria’s mother on the paternal side, and first cousin to Maria’s father through his mother. I think that’s right, but I’ve never fully mastered the intricacies of old world Italian village relationships. The name on his birth certificate was Vincent, but everyone called him Jimmy. No one knows exactly why.

He was compact, and mostly bald, with an impish grin and an infectious laugh. It seemed as if Jimmy was always happy. He raked the leaves, and weeded the beds around his house until his early 90s, when bouts of dizziness, and occasional neck pain prevented him from continuing. Jimmy liked to tell how his father had died, at the age of 89, after falling out of a tree. He had climbed up to prune it, probably over his wife’s objections. But it was, after all, his tree.

“Who else was gonna do it?” Jimmy observed with a shrug and a smile.

He loved the ocean, and fishing from the jetty for scrappy rockfish that we would cut in chunks, dredge in flour, and fry in olive oil to a cinnamon-brown crisp. When things went wrong, like the day I was fishing with him and my line unspooled and got hopelessly tangled, Jimmy had the perfect words for it:

“It’s all wickety wackety. You can’t fix that. Cut the line!”

After his wife died, he refused to go back to the shore house because it held too many memories. So for the last 10 years or so, we could only see him at the home he shared in Nutley with his daughter (now retired herself), and her husband. Every time we visited, Jimmy would sit us down at the kitchen table, pull out the bottle of Drambuie, and insist that I drink shots, even if it was 10 in the morning. He happily joined me for at least one or two, at least until last year when his hands shook so much he spilled most of the liqueur before it got to his mouth.

“Jesus Christ,” he laughed. “Wouldja lookit that. I’m shaky! I got the shakes! Hey, what’re you gonna do?”

He would shrug, and wobble the short shot to his lips anyway, taking a gingerly sip.

“Don’t get old,” he told me, waving his arthritis-twisted finger in mock solemnity. “Have another shot, go ahead!”

The night he died, he complained of head and chest congestion, but he refused to go to the hospital because he hated those places. He just took cold medicine and went to bed early. He awoke at 4 a.m., coughing. He took another dose of cough syrup, and fell back asleep. Between then and 9 a.m., when his daughter went to check on him because he’d missed his usual coffee time, Jimmy had stopped breathing.

The wake was a small, and surprisingly genial affair. After all, he’d lived a long, happy life without major illnesses, and died peacefully, at home, in his sleep.

“I’ll sign a contract for that right now,” was a much-heard mantra during his wake and funeral.

It’s wickety wackety without you, Jimmy. You were well-loved.

I’m pouring the Drambuie now.

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A Night at the Museum: Martinis, a Bald Eagle, and Wilted Lettuce

02 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by WS50 in Art, Confessional

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Art, confessional, Julie Seyler, MoMA, The Write Side of 50

Window reflection at the Museum of Modern Art.

We reflect at the Museum of Modern Art.

BY JULIE SEYLER

A few days before Christmas, Lois braved the airless space, and masses of bodies, that defines Times Square, and met me at the Museum of Modern Art. I had dangled the prospect of seeing the Ileanna Sonnabend show, which had just opened. Sonnabend was a pioneer, and premier gallerist, who had an eye for seeing: she discovered Jasper Johns and Robert Rauschenberg. To make the prospect a bit sweeter, I added in a promise of a long schmooze, and a martini, after the “culture” part of the evening.

But we reversed the schedule.

I was waiting for Lois to walk uptown from Penn Station at The Modern, the bar in the museum, and as soon as Lois walked in, I could tell from the look on her face that before any art excursion, a cocktail was necessary.

So our intended 100 minutes of art and 15 minutes of cocktails was turned inside out to 15 minutes of art and 100 minutes of cocktails.

But those 15 minutes of art were worth it. The galleries were empty and we had an unfettered bird’s eye view of Rauschenberg’s bald eagle assemblage from 1959 called “Canyon:”

Rauschenburg's bald eagle

It turns out that that bald eagle spawned a mini legal drama when Sonnabend died because the IRS valued the piece at $65 million, and her estate valued the piece at 0. The estate did not have the bucks to pay the taxes on it, and could not sell the piece to pay the taxes because of the bald eagle. It’s endangered and therefore, dead or alive, it cannot be sold. A settlement was reached. Taxes would be forgiven if the piece was donated to a museum. Now it is owned by MoMA.

Meanwhile, while gazing at Canyon, we met Nelson, nelson a guard at the museum who led us on a mini-tour of the show. He pointed out a piece of sculpture by Giovanni Anselmo, which features a head of fresh lettuce.

After we passed it, Nelson turned to Lois, and said, “Oh no, look what you did!”

There was a ring of messy sand all disarrayed around the granite base – courtesy of Lois’s misstep:lettuce

But he was only kidding. It’s part of the “performance” art. As the head of fresh lettuce wilts, it seems granite dust is released and, of course, viewers will interact with the dust.

Then the announcement came on that the museum was closing, and there was still a whole bunch to see. Our attempt to charm the guards to let us stay for five minutes more was useless, so we decided to grab a bite to eat at Trattoria Dell’Arte, or as Lois likes to call it, “the nose place,” because it is decorated with paintings of famous noses.

It’s delicious, the pours are generous, and every once in a while you score a free glass of Prosecco, or perhaps some fresh chocolate chip cookies. We split spaghetti carbonara and meatballs, and when we finished the meal, the waiter brought over two glasses of limoncello. We toasted each other, and headed into the balmy and hectic streets to walk way down there to 34th Street so Lois could catch her train.

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Longer Life Means Lifetime Savings in the (Memory) Bank

30 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by WS50 in Confessional, Men

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confessional, Frank Terranella, Men, The Write Side of 50

memory bowl 2

BY FRANK TERRANELLA

I think that the best thing about being on the right side of 50 is the riches we have accumulated in the memory banks.  People who are in their 20s have so few good memories compared to us. Oh sure, they have some childhood memories, and maybe even a few teenage memories of the golden variety. But we over-50s have those, and much, much more.

We can look back at the lives we have lived, and the choices we have made. Of course there are always some regrets, but as Sinatra sang “too few to mention.” The golden memories we have include not just our weddings, but the births of our children, their first steps, their first day of school, their proms and (for some of us) their weddings. Some of us even have memories of first grandchildren.

But most of all, we over-50s have golden memories of time enjoyed with significant others in our lives. Maybe it was a spouse, maybe it was a good friend, but the memory banks are chockablock with warm recollections of days gone by. Vacations spent in beautiful places are in there, alongside quiet Sundays at home in bed. We have the blessings of having lived and loved; laughed and cried. And we can summon it up anytime we want to. All it takes is for someone to say, “Do you remember when…”

There are lots of good memories associated with this time of year. Some of them, for me, involve enjoying great works of art. Can you remember the first time you heard Handel’s “Messiah”? How about the first time you watched Linus tell us the meaning of Christmas in  “A Charlie Brown Christmas”? I put these in the same paragraph because they both inspire me.

There are tons of Christmas movies around, but some of my favorites are not about Christmas, but just take place at Christmas.  An example is “Home Alone.”  An older example is “It’s A Wonderful Life.”

One of my favorite movies that take place around Christmas, but is not about Christmas is “A Family Man.”  It was made in 2000, and stars Nicolas Cage and Téa Leoni. Writers David Diamond and David Weissman create a sort of It-Could-Have-Been-a Wonderful-Life story.  Instead of getting to see what the world would have been like without him, Cage, a rich, single businessman gets a “glimpse” of what his life could have been like if he had married his girlfriend, Téa Leoni, instead of flying off to London for an internship.

It’s a beautiful and profound romantic comedy set in the holiday season.  It shows the power of choices we make in our lives. It shows how memories are like dominos that can branch off in unexpected directions as life moves us inexorably forward. I recommend watching “A Family Man,” when you’re in a contemplative mood so you can get the full effect. It’s perfect end-of-year viewing.

As another year comes to an end, and something called 2014 begins, those of us who have spent most of our lives in another century can still look forward to making even more golden memories in this one. And those 20-somethings will never catch up to us. When it comes to memories, it’s really an embarrassment of riches for the over 50s.

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Unlike Me, Christmas in Manhattan Never Gets Old

23 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by WS50 in Confessional, Men

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confessional, Frank Terranella, Men, Radio City Music Hall, Rockefeller Center, Rockettes, The Write Side of 50

radio city

BY FRANK TERRANELLA

Around this time of year, New York gets dressed up for the holidays. The shop windows proclaim the symbols of the season. Otherwise dull office buildings are decorated with wreaths and holly. Tourists flock to Rockefeller Center, and the many other public displays of Christmas. In fact, people come from all over the world to spend Christmastime in New York.

xmas windows

I think the first time I ever was brought into Manhattan was for the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Show. It was probably the late 1950s. I remember standing on a long line in freezing temperatures. But it was worth it. Once we got inside, I was in awe of the jaw-dropping majesty of the hall. And then a man appeared in the corner of the stage and began playing a marvelous organ that had bass notes that rumbled in my stomach.

After a while, the curtain opened and there were the Rockettes dressed as toy soldiers. And wasn’t it just so cool the way they fell down!  Needless to say I practiced that move with my cousins at my grandparent’s house on Christmas Eve that year. It was a lot of fun, but we found out just how hard it was to fall slowly like the Rockettes did.

After the Rockettes, there were some Ed Sullivan-type acts like jugglers, ventriloquists and singers. Little did I know that I was seeing the death throes of vaudeville right before my eyes.

Next there was a big Christmas-themed musical production number that usually featured snow men, reindeer and of course, Santa Claus.

And then there was the grand finale – the living Nativity. Camels! Real, live camels walked across the stage led by Wise Men along with shepherds. And at center stage was a manger with Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus. After seeing this, I remember thinking that what our school Christmas pageant needed was camels!

As if all of that was not enough, soon after the stage show ended, the lights went down again and we saw a movie. All this for $1.50. No wonder there were lines around the block.

xmas tree

But wait, there was more. We always ended our trips to Radio City with a visit to the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. We watched the skaters glide across the ice as Christmas carols blared from speakers.  And then finally, we walked to get some food. Where? Why the automat of course!

Horn & Hardart’s coin-operate diners were a fascinating place for a kid to eat. Just putting in the nickels was fun.  I don’t remember the food being particularly tasty, but I remember having a piece of blueberry pie that was my first ever. I would never have ordered it, but I remember the little door holding the pie was at my eye level. It must have been pretty good because blueberry pie is a favorite of mine still.

The automats are long gone, but the Rockefeller Center skating rink and tree are still with us. And fortunately, Radio City Music Hall is as well.  Of course the movie is gone, and the prices are competitive with Broadway, but they still have a stage show with camels!

Today I work in Manhattan, so I am there practically every day. It would be easy to be cynical about all the commercialism, and take all this Christmas finery for granted. But I find that even after more than 50 years, when I hear the jingle of silver bells on a street corner this time of year, I’m still the wide-eyed child marveling at the wonder that is Manhattan at Christmas.

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Friendships Hang On (Some By a Thread) Through Christmas Cards

19 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by WS50 in Confessional

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Christmas cards, confessional, Margo D. Beller, The Write Side of 50

margo Xmas

BY MARGO D. BELLER

Every year, despite the computer technology, my husband and I go through the year-end ritual of buying, writing in, addressing and mailing holiday cards.

And every year, I look at the list of who got cards, and who sent us cards. I am amazed at how many friendships we’ve managed to keep going, some barely, with these once-a-year cards.

Some of our friends have computerized mailing lists. As long as our names aren’t removed from the list, we’ll get a card. One card goes to my husband’s mother’s cousin, a woman who has been through many travails. Another goes to the daughter of another cousin who surprised us with a card years ago and, when we responded, put us on her computerized list. One goes to my sister, with whom I have communicated only by card for decades.

Most of the names on the list are friends with whom I have an active e-mail correspondence. However, there are a few who only write me when I write them first, or who don’t respond at all to my e-mails. To these people I stubbornly send a card to remind them of my existence. Many of my friends are active on Facebook, but I am not among them.

Some of our friends have moved around quite a lot over the years. It is interesting to see their progress via my old-fashioned address book. One had a New Jersey address when I met him. Over the decades that address was subsequently crossed out, and an arrow pointed to a new address in Philadelphia that was superseded by another address in Philadelphia. He is now in Dallas. He’ll get a card.

Sadly, this year I must remove the name of my friend and former employer who died just months after his 95th birthday.

It is hard to acknowledge I am at an age where the card list is going to start getting smaller soon, unless I make a better effort to either make more friends or maintain the ones I have. That’s why we visited some of our Boston-area friends this year, and next year we want to see friends south of the Mason-Dixon line.

Still, I think of the ones no longer here – my 95-year-old friend, and another friend who died last year two weeks after his 56th birthday. And two months ahead of my own birthday. I think of one of my Boston friends who, while very much alive, has been fighting cancer for over a decade. We are not going to live forever, despite what many in my generation may think.

So, my friends who hear from me once a year, I am sorry about that. But now I am sending you an old-fashioned holiday card to keep our friendship alive, if only by a thread. Are you alive or dead? Are you still my friend?

I hope to hear from you again this year.

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