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The Write Side of 59

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The Write Side of 59

Author Archives: Lois DeSocio

Law Practice: Shining Shoes, Lugging Golf Clubs and Hauling Garbage

18 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

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Bob Smith, confessional, Men, The Write Side of 50

Bob lawyer

The young lawyer. Photo courtesy Bob Smith.

BY BOB SMITH
I’ve been practicing law for almost 30 years, and am now a partner in the intellectual property group of a large New Jersey law firm. Though the path to my legal career was paved with menial jobs, I learned something from every one of them.

Coming from Cresskill, an affluent Bergen County community that had at least four country clubs within a five-mile radius, I had a lot of golf-centric jobs in high school: caddie, locker room shoeshine guy, and finally, greenskeeper.  Being a caddie taught me a lot about golf – how to play it well (at least in theory, as I never learned to play well myself), the reassuring fact that most people play quite poorly, and the surprising fact that, regardless of how prestigious or well-respected the player, he or she is often not above cheating in order to win.

As a shoeshine guy in the locker room I learned that fat old guys, no matter how rich, still look pathetic and saggy with their clothes off. And as a greenskeeper, I learned how peaceful it is to walk the course in the predawn darkness, sweeping the greens with a long bamboo pole to knock the dewdrops down so they don’t burn the delicate grass when the sun comes up.

the back of a garbage truck

Riding the back of a garbage truck afforded life lessons. Photo by Julie Seyler.

Then, during my last two summers in college I became a garbageman. I hauled smelly barrels of trash through the backyards of some of the finest homes in Tenafly. I learned many things at that job, including that people often threw away perfectly edible cookies and cakes; that if you drank too many of the free beers available in the summertime you lost all ambition (it took twice as long to finish the route), and that if a mass of rice in the trash was wriggling, it wasn’t rice at all.

I also learned what it meant to be invisible. One day I was on the back of the truck with one arm hooked in the metal grab bar, carelessly swinging back and forth with the rhythm of the ride as the truck swung around turns and jounced over bumps.  I was watching a well-dressed guy in a white shirt and tie who was driving behind us, drinking coffee and glancing at his watch and trying to see if he could somehow pass the lumbering truck.  I was smiling at him and gesturing with my free hand for him to slow down; lighten up, but he looked right through me.  I didn’t exist in his world.

Then the truck braked suddenly, the air brakes exploding with a series of percussive hisses as the driver pumped them to make us stop. I was pulled back against the arm hook, toward the front of the truck, but I kept my eye on Mr. Executive, who was deep into his coffee and didn’t notice our rapid deceleration.  I waved again, screaming at him at the top of my lungs to stop. At the last second, he looked up, saw the back of the truck approaching too fast, and jammed on his brakes.

His car screeched to a stop, maybe a foot short of the blunt metal edge of the truck’s hopper – one more second of inattention, and he would have gone right under us.  The roof of his car, not to mention his head, probably would have been ripped off.  I could see the pulse of a near-death adrenaline jolt in the wide-eyed shock on his face.

He glanced at me, and I smiled, raising my hands and eyebrows in a “close call” acknowledgment, expecting him to laugh. But he completely ignored me, turning back to his coffee as if I wasn’t there.

A few years later, becoming a lawyer was a fairly easy choice: clean, good-paying, indoor work where people usually acknowledged and valued your existence.  Usually.

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The Saturday Blog: Reflecting

16 Saturday Feb 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Art

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Art, Julie Seyler, Madrid, The Write Side of 50

Prismatic light. Madrid, Spain.

Prismatic light. Madrid, Spain.

This photo reminds us of our four-day jaunt to Madrid, Spain in December 2011. It was taken inside one of the many cathedrals throughout the city that we would wander in to. Here, Julie caught and snapped the prismatic light that streamed through the stained glass windows to create patterns of abstract art.

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At Least My Clutter is Out of the Closet

15 Friday Feb 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional

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clutter, confessional, Lois DeSocio, The Write Side of 50

P1090714

A masterful mess of man and nature. Photo by Julie Seyler.

BY LOIS DESOCIO

I’ve noticed that a lot of my writing lately is under the umbrella of an ever-growing proclivity towards clutter. And that a number of my headlines contain the word, “mess.” It seems everywhere I go in my house, I leave behind a little bit (or a heap) of me. I don’t mean that I’m dirty, or sloppy, or don’t ever pick up after myself. I would never leave a mess in someone else’s house. I just love clutter. More than ever. While I’ve always loved the feeling of being snug and surrounded, and am a life-long fan of small rooms; big chairs (a favorite feeling is to be wedged between two people that I love in a big chair in a small room), as I get older, I’m becoming a downright master of the neat mess. A maestro. Many of my friends have stated that they, “Couldn’t live like that.” I say: Try it. Why spend half your life picking up and putting away things that you need everyday? It’s not natural, and not fun, to constantly pursue tidy and trim. The world outside our windows certainly isn’t orderly.

This doesn’t mean I’m not organized. And my love of clutter does not mean that I need a lot of stuff. I’m not a collector. I hate shopping. And I’m definitely not a hoarder. I have no problem purging my home annually of things that I no longer need or use. (Just look out my back door at the perpetual pile of things I don’t want that live next to the garbage cans.)

But a little self-study kicked an after I read an interview with Peter Walsh, an “organizing authority” (he’s been on Oprah!), in an article by Mary Beth Breckenridge, which was picked up by the February 14 Star Ledger. Apparently, “untidy spaces can mess with your head.” Says Mr. Walsh: there’s an “emotional component to disorganization.” He was also the organizational expert on the TLC series, “Clean Sweep,” a makeover show for people who are messed up by clutter. Another quote: “… that when people eliminate clutter, they become less depressed and more energetic.”

So I pursued this theory further. A little research produced a Web site called, the Institute for Challenging Disorganization, whose mission is to educate professional organizers and related professionals on the issues relating to Chronic Disorganization.

It has a free clutter-hoarding scale on their Web site – “an assessment measurement tool” … “to give professional organizers and related professionals definitive parameters. These parameters relate to health and safety.”

So, it seems, according to some experts out there – I’m sick. Chronically ill. Specifically: depressed, anxious, and I have a misplaced love of things over people. Wrong: I love a pile of people just as much as I love dirty dishes in the morning.

At least I’ve proudly come out of the closet with my mess. And my closets, by the way, (and kitchen cabinets, dresser drawers) are downright pristine – neat and tidy all of them. I always hang up my coat. I make my bed in the morning, and fold my clothes (sometimes I even put them in their respective drawers) at night. But that’s it. It’s what people see (on my floors, on the tables and desks) that they don’t seem to get. To me, compulsive neatness means you must be rigid, controlling, predictable. Isn’t that less desirable than: Untamed! Effulgent! And just beautifully messy.

I’d rather walk over and around myself all day, than pick up after. Really, at the heart of all this musing, is perspective:

I don’t see this as a pile of recyclables. I see it as, “Wow I love newspapers, and look how many I got through this week.”
papers2.

I get to be awash in my work:
Me Library 2

You’ve seen my wall:
P1130179

I’m having a party!:
IMG_0082

My own special morning-after party:
8087476940_cc213cb158_m

Look at all the extra space I have to throw things!:
books

My best friend is a mess too:
thesaurus

So I have no worries that I will turn into that little old lady who is surrounded by decades of stuff. I’ll be fine, because I will always see disarray as creative chaos. I would be depressed and less energetic otherwise.

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Happy Valentine’s Day

14 Thursday Feb 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Art

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Art, Julie Seyler, The Write Side of 50, Valentines Day

Card designed by Julie Seyler ...

so gorged on love for you copy i burst for us

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Men in Midlife: Puberty Revisited? Or a Time to Grow Up?

12 Tuesday Feb 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Concepts, Men

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Concepts, Frank Terranella, Jimmy Carter, Midlife Crises, The Write Side of 50, When Harry Met Sally

men will be boys

Men will be boys. Photos by Julie Seyler

BY FRANK TERRANELLA

We’ve all heard of the midlife crisis. And if you’re in your 50s, and you haven’t had yours yet, you’re overdue. Anyway, I think that women and men have different midlife crises. For men, it usually comes with the first scent of old age. You know, the sudden inability to remember names, movie titles and even words. Or if the guy is an athlete, it’s the demonstrated failure of his body to do what it used to do. Whatever the trigger, the response is usually the same: In a vain attempt to regain their youth, men revert to behavior they abandoned in their mid-20s. They get drunk, they gamble, they buy expensive toys, and they fool around with women who are not their wives. Not everyone does all of these, but just about everyone has the inclination.

When 50-something married men begin to act like they’re single, this can be disconcerting to their wives, to say the least. But it truly has nothing to do with the wives. The inclinations don’t only hit men in bad, or tired, marriages. I think they’re primal and hard-wired into men’s brains.

You can dress them up but you can't take them out

Men and their games.

What separates the gentlemen from the cads is the response each man has to this inclination. Some men give in and go off for the full ride, including bedding younger women. Divorce soon ensues, and I have actually heard these men brag that, “I traded up from the 1955 model to the 1977 model.” Other men, in the immortal wisdom of President Jimmy Carter, have lust in their hearts. I will confess to being in this group.

As I get older, I have found that intimacy is what’s really important, not just orgasms. There’s nothing wrong with orgasms, it’s just that both men and women can, and do, have them without any intimacy with their partner. This is ultimately very lonely and unfulfilling. So in recent years, I have sought out intimate, non-sexual relationships with a number of women friends. This is something that women do easily without thinking about it. Women tell their women friends intimate details of their lives freely, and it’s no big deal. For men – it’s a big deal.

In the film “When Harry Met Sally,” Billy Crystal’s character is a young man who opines that men and women can never be friends because sex always gets in the way. By that he means that he believes that a guy can’t look at a woman without thinking about getting naked and having sex with her. My experience is that it’s much easier to have an intimate friendship with women in my 50s than it was in my 20s. And that’s a good thing.

My wife has been incredibly understanding as I have begun to have long meals with old girlfriends, work colleagues and a variety of other amazing women. While the conversations have at times been intimate, they have never been orgasmic. I have been proving Billy Crystal wrong for a decade.

In many ways, I think it takes until he’s in his 50s for a man to grow up. The midlife crisis is like a second puberty. The trick is to get through it without making a fool of yourself. And as we all know, there’s no fool like an old fool.

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A Nod to My Rock Stars, Mobsters, Encyclopedias, and Mr. Peanut

04 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Asbury Park Boardwalk, Casino Coffee Shop, confessional, Convention Hall, Lois DeSocio, Long Branch, Planters Peanuts, The Write Side of 50, Yvonne's Rhapsody in Blue and Rendevous Lounge

job

BY LOIS DESOCIO

I believe the truisms (“share,” be “fair,” be “aware of wonder,” and “don’t hit people,” to name a few), as noted in Robert L. Fulghum’s book, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten,” to be spot-on advice on how to grow into a decent, content, and essentially happy human being.

Add to these, the scholarship that comes with those early working years. Those first jobs. They not only may help you pinpoint what you want, or don’t want, to do when you grow up, but if you pay attention, they are also ripe with opportunities that can grant you what we all need to be decent at, content with, and essentially happy with our career choices.

For me, I knew in third grade that I wanted to be a writer. But I worked my way towards today through more jobs than I can count.

So here’s my short list of the basics on working as a writer, and how I got them:

Low wage: Those of us who grew up in Asbury Park in the 1960s and 1970s spent summers working on the Boardwalk. I did it for 10 years, starting at 14 years old as a counter girl at The Miramar Grill in Convention Hall. This was my induction into hard work at low pay. But it was also my premier tutelage in how to make my pennies count and get more for my money. After work, I would glom on to the 16 and 17 year old employees that would sneak through the secret tunnel alongside the restaurant and got us into neighboring Convention Hall during Led Zeppelin and Janis Joplin concerts for free.

Check your ego at the door: The next summer I moved across the hall and was Mr. Peanut at Planters Peanuts. I spent hours waving people in to the store with my unwieldy peanut head. Everyone who worked there started out this way, and if you were a cracker at being a peanut, you were eventually promoted to selling them inside the store.

Don’t cry when your editor yells at you: My three summers at the other end of the Boardwalk as a waitress at the Casino Coffee Shop is where I learned to be nice to people who weren’t nice to me. I would suck it up when the cook yelled that the food was getting cold, when the customers yelled that the food was cold, and when the boss yelled if I forgot to drip those three partially-used ketchup bottles into one at the end of the day.

Be honest: And it was also at the Casino Coffee Shop where I switched from concert-sneaker to concert-companion by treating the rock stars that performed at the Casino across the way, and regularly came in to eat, like rocks stars, so they would put me on their guest lists. (Leslie West, from Mountain, gave me a plastic, “World’s Best Waitress” trophy.)

Pay attention to details: After college, I moved down Ocean Avenue and worked as a waitress at Yvonne’s Rhapsody in Blue and Rendevous Lounge in Long Branch. Yvonne – owner, chanteuse, and drummer – would bang the drums set up in the corner of the dining room, and would throw her drumsticks into the crowd when she was done. Patrons that were upset with the near-miss-to-the-head would have been more unnerved had they known that the chef’s cigar ashes that would continuously bend towards, and then garnish the food, were accompanied by Yvonne’s fingers poking through every plate before it left the kitchen. I noticed that the clientel that hung out in the lounge under the restaurant had deeper pockets, and therefore tipped well. And there were no drums, no food, no Yvonne. I asked to work there, where I learned to chat up the mobsters that were regulars, like Anthony “Little Pussy” Russo, who took a liking to me, tipped up to 40 percent on his bills, and gave me an extra $20 bill if I would get him cigarettes from the machine.

Give people what they want, and deliver it reliably: I spent a summer as a bartender at a huge club – The Fountain Casino – where my constant attention in both mixing the drinks (a little extra booze), remembering what the regulars wanted (had it ready when they walked through the door), and smiling and winking at the inebriated, had them coming back for more, and made me more money in tips than I had made in any other job before that.

Work on deadline. Accept heaps of rejection. Be clear. And just say it already!: Short on length, but long on lessons learned – I sold encyclopedias door-to-door for one month in Hackensack. I had seconds to sell myself, and those books that nobody wanted. What began as a five-minute, carefully-chosen, beautiful, wordy spiel, turned into a one-minute, bordering-on-begging sales pitch, because people were slamming the door in my face.

Interviewing chops: I worked my way up to credit manager for a contractors supply company in my mid-20s. I spent the bulk of my day on the phone asking big wigs to pay us, please.

And sage instruction, no matter what:

Throw yourself out there, no matter your age, and do things that are really hard : I went back to school at 54 years old.

Learn how to move on when the best job in the world ends: My kids grew up.

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My Super Bowl Sunday “Channel”: Dad

01 Friday Feb 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

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Tags

Anthony Buccino, confessional, Men, Super Bowl, The Write Side of 50

Buccino_Tools4

Dad’s Phillies have nothing to do with football. Photo by Anthony Buccino.

BY ANTHONY BUCCINO

During one Super Bowl, I spent the evening changing the door knobs on all the doors in our old house. “That,” my daughter has said for 25 years, “is why none of them close.”

Who needs football to prove manliness? Men build stuff, use saws, hammers, nails, screwdrivers and pound nails. Me, I don’t use those electrical gadgets you find in the box stores these days. I use the hand-tools Dad left behind 33 years ago. The ones with his initials burned into the handles. He was a carpenter, and had a lot more practice, but I can still hit my left thumb pretty good.

Neither of us was much into watching football on TV. He preferred to sleep through war movies. His love was pedigree homing pigeons. I don’t bet money on football. I won $10 on a football ticket in 1971, but Big John lost my ticket, and I’m still waiting for Roger Ross to pay me. (He’s hiding out in Hawaii.)

All those big super-charged football players are best used to run after each other and knock each other down. Spare the testosterone. Memory tells me that the high school rough kids’ exuberance was corralled into wrestling and football. Better they should run in the mud, muck, ice and bone-chilling rain, snow and cold.

These days, my wife will call me in to see a super commercial as she flips from the game to her shopping channels. Or challenge me to choose the cutest puppy in the dog bowl while our old Lab lies nearby comatose, snoring through gray jowls. That is about as close as I get to any kind of bowl.

Like many I’ll catch some commercial highlights in previews or post game. When I think of the money spent on ads for a football game, it’s unthinkable. Some places have a soup-er bowl where they collect cash and food for soup kitchens. How many hungry folks could eat for the cost of a one-minute commercial?

The Super Bowl is coming to my neighborhood in a few years, and all I think about is the traffic and how hard it would be to get to work if I’m working a real job by then. I would not bother to schnorr a free ticket to that game – it’s not my style. Instead, I’ll fix something around the house that has been awaiting repair. It’s probably on the Honey-Do chit list right now.

When it came to those door knobs, I knew how it needed to be done. I had the tools, the hardware and the shims. They just wouldn’t line up like they should have.

In the third quarter, the door jammed closed. I was locked in the spare bedroom. Contemplating climbing out the window onto the garage roof, dropping to the pavement and then trying to open the door from the hallway. Yeah, that’s when I wished Dad was by my side.

Invoking his forty years of woodwork, windows and framing, I channeled a sliver of his ingenuity and got that door open from inside. “Cancel the 9-1-1 call, Honey,” I called down the stairs, “I’m out!”

Maybe we’ll just leave these doors open, for circulation.

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I Don’t Man-Up for the Super Bowl

31 Thursday Jan 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

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Tags

Bob Smith, Men, opinion, Super Bowl, The Write Side of 50

Football from the outside in

Football from the outside in. By Julie Seyler.

BY BOB SMITH

I failed as a baseball pitcher because of a bad attitude. I didn’t have the athletic skills for basketball or soccer. And I lacked both the skills and raw physical aggression needed for football. As a result, I was never particularly interested in watching other people play those games.

I don’t regularly watch any sport, for that matter. But I make an exception for the Super Bowl, because it’s a championship game where the best teams are playing really hard, there are cool commercials, and an interesting halftime show. And best of all – greasy snacks. But otherwise, because I was never very good at sports myself, I’m pretty much a non-watcher of televised sports.

It started when I played Little League baseball as a boy. They made me pitch, because as a left-hander, it was natural for me to sling the ball across my body from left to right. The pitch started high, looking like a strike, but then it slid down low and inside against right-handed batters – really hard to hit.

But if the ball was hit back to me, whether in the air or on the ground, I couldn’t catch it worth a lick. And at the plate, I struck out almost every time. Worse yet, I was a perfectionist – I thought that unless I struck out every batter, I was a failure. So as soon as anyone got a hit I got angry and threw harder, losing all control. I issued walk after walk, loading the bases.

Wise guys supporting the other team would start to chant: “Pitcher’s crackin’ uh-up! Pitcher’s crackin’ uh-up!,” and I’d get madder, throwing even more erratically, proving them right. The coach would yank me, and I’d sit in the dugout pissed off for the rest of the game.

Continue reading →

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I’m a Man That Looks Up to Women. (I’m 5-Foot-9)

30 Wednesday Jan 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

confessional, Frank Terranella, Men, The Write Side of 50

tall woman

Sketches by Julie Seyler.

BY FRANK TERRANELLA

I was at a cocktail party not long ago, where several 20-something women came over and stood next to me. Now, at 5 feet 9 inches, I have never considered myself tall. I am average height for a male Baby Boomer. But all three of the young women were 5 feet 9 – and above. I know that because I asked them. Two of them were wearing high heels, which made it even worse. In years past, I rarely encountered a woman who was taller than me. What is going on here? When did women start growing so tall?

Just from personal observation, I think that on average, women in their 50s tend to be about four inches smaller than men. But it seems that young women today are growing much taller than their mothers. Although scientists say the average height height of women today is only one inch taller than it was 50 years ago, I seem to see very tall women everywhere I go.  Maybe more women are wearing higher heels than 30 or 40 years ago, but I doubt it. tall woman 2

Women have been wearing that ridiculously uncomfortable footwear for decades. No, I think there actually are more women taller than me today than there used to be. Add to that the fact that people lose height as they age, and I expect to feel like I’m walking among giants soon. And men tend to fear giant women. Do you remember the 1950’s film where a woman has an encounter with an alien and grows to enormous size? It was called, “Attack of the 50 Foot Woman” despite the fact that the woman had no malicious intent at all.  Roger Corman made a similar movie just this year starring Sean Young called, “Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader.”

The point is that this idea that a tall woman is a menace is long-running and pervasive. I think that most men dislike looking up at women. The one famous exception was the 5-foot-2 Dudley Moore, who dated 5-foot-11, Susan Anton in the early 1980s. He used to joke that he loved the view, as his eyes were at the level of her cleavage. But that was a much-heralded exception to the rule. And it is notable that they each went on to marry other people.

No, I think that most people avoid having significant others who are much taller than they are. Anyway, I think it’s an inevitable trend in my life that I will be looking up at more and more women in the years to come as I grow smaller and they grow taller. Maybe I can learn to accept it and, like Dudley Moore, just enjoy the view.

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Blogs We Like

28 Monday Jan 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Art, Concepts, Food, Men, News, Opinion, Travel

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Almost 60? Really?, Annalena's Kitchen, Anthony Buccino, Art, Barbara Rachko, Blogs, BOOM! By Cindy Joseph, Booming, boomspeak, Concepts, Every Day is a Holiday, Food, Huff/Post 50, Lois DeSocio, Men, News, Opinions, Sparsely Sage and Timley, Stilettos in Snow, The Feisty Side of 50, The Five O'Clock Cocktail, The Write Side of 50, Travel

BLOGS WE LIKE Photo

By Julie Seyler.

BY LOIS DESOCIO

According to the most recent stats, there are 156 million blogs, and counting, on the Internet. A good chunk of the pile seems to be geared to us baby boomers. Apparently, we like to read, talk, and write about ourselves. Here are some age-appropriate (and a couple not), that are worth mentioning:

The big guys, Booming from The New York Times and Huffington Post’s Huff/Post50, will give you news, commentary, debate, celebrity bloggers – basically all the good, the bad and the ugly that comes with the “middle ages.”

There’s gutsy girls:

A read of The Feisty Side of 50, BOOM! By Cindy Joseph, and Almost 60? Really?, will help us women feel good being gray, and naked; make us want to climb the biggest mountain out there, and then maybe kick up our heels at the summit, and scream “Yay Menopause!;” and then come down to earth – in that order.

Wordly men:

Award-winning writer, and our new contributor, Anthony Buccino, writes about history, travel, even N.J. Transit. And there’s David V. Mitchell’s, Sparsely Sage and Timley, a West Coast, post-boomer blogger, who had us with his title.

A cool spot for a little bit of everything, including some tech advice, is boomspeak.

There are others that we like because, even though the bloggers are over 50, they manage to write about something else. Annalena’s Kitchen has everything to do with the fun, the passion and the science behind food. Blogger Norman Hanson, is “just an over the hill gay guy who likes to cook.” And no doubt you’ve noticed that we tend to be madly appreciative of the visual image and the craft that comes with being a highly-skilled artist. Barbara Rachko’s barbararachkoscoloreddust delivers.

No 50-year-old bloggers in sight on The Five O’Clock Cocktail, but it is right on time with us.

And Stilettos Stuck in Snow (full disclosure – we know her mother), and Everyday is a Holiday must be mentioned, because although these bloggers are nowhere near 50, they’ve managed to produce some visually appealing, artsy, fashion-focused blogs. It’s important for us boomers to remember it’s not all about us, and they offer us a fun way to check in and keep up the with the times.

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The Write Side of 50

The Write Side of 50

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