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Tag Archives: Bob Smith

Boiler Number 3: A Blast (of Soot, Sweat, and Broken Spirits) from the Past

11 Thursday Apr 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

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Tags

Bob Smith, Boiler cleaning, confessional, Men, The Write Side of 50

 

Bob and the boiler

Bob and the boiler

BY BOB SMITH

When my brother’s friend told us he knew a guy who would pay us $50 a day to clean boilers at some factory in Hackensack, it sounded too good to be true. It was the summer of 1971, I was 16, and that was roughly quadruple the then-prevailing minimum wage of $1.60 an hour. How bad could it be? We eagerly agreed.

The factory was a series of drab brick buildings in an industrial section of town near the railroad tracks. A grizzled guy in a uniform sat in the guardhouse – an upended glass and metal coffin in the middle of the driveway. He looked up from his magazine just long enough to direct us to the “power house,” a two-story brick building at the back of the property.

In front of the power house there were eight monster gas meters with round riveted faces the size of pizza pies. As we stood on the concrete platform waiting for someone to answer the buzzer, we could hear pressurized gas hissing in the pipes.

“You smell anything?” Jimmy asked, looking askance at the meters.

The foreman brought us into an open room where two 12-foot high, 12-foot square, concrete structures squatted, side by side, under long fluorescent lights. The hulks had “Boiler No. 2” and “Boiler No. 3” stenciled on their sides in alarming fire-engine red block letters.

“Okay guys, you’ll be starting on No. 3 today,” said the foreman. His name was Steve, and he ran this business cleaning boilers. But Steve didn’t actually do any work. He just supervised hapless suckers like us.

Steve quickly showed us what to do and hurried away.

“I got another job going across town. I’ll be back at lunchtime with sandwiches and sodas.”

It was simple. You crawled inside the boiler through a cast iron access door barely big enough to allow one person to wriggle through, carrying a narrow brush on a stick and a work light on a long extension cord. Once inside the boiler, you laid on the pipes that spanned the length and width of the unit, and used the brush to sweep piles of soot off the top surface of each pipe.

You started at the far end of the boiler, about eight feet from the access door, and worked your way down the length of the boiler. After knocking the soot off all the pipes, you opened another access door at floor level and shoveled the grimy, black powder into barrels for disposal. (This being New Jersey, probably in a landfill near a major source of drinking water.)

The soot built up on top of the pipes because the boilers were really gigantic ovens. When the array of gas burners at the bottom were fired up, the space inside was a blazing, white-hot inferno. That fact was not lost on me as I lay at the far end of the unit, far from that tiny access door, hoping the guy in the control room didn’t forget No. 3 was supposed to be down today for cleaning.

Then there was the soot. Steve insisted that before we went into the boiler we put on paper breathing masks, purportedly to prevent us from breathing in the black dust. However, within 15 minutes, the mask was useless – a sodden mass of soot, saturated with sweat. You had to pull it off your face to breathe at all – dust be damned.

By the end of the day, our clothes were heavy with embedded black ash, our hair matted tangles of soot, and our spirits broken. Like the Peanuts character Pig Pen, we exuded a cloud of dust with every step.

When we got home, I showered for a full half hour, watching the water run black as I scrubbed that persistent blackness from every pore, follicle, and crevice of my body. I spat and blew black from my nose for a week.

Being successful at a job, or at anything in life for that matter, often is a matter of just showing up. But sometimes not showing up is the better way to go.

Jim and I didn’t return for day two in Boiler No. 3.

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It’s All Relative: I’m Counting the Ways I Can Die

03 Wednesday Apr 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Death, Men, The Write Side of 50

here and then there

Some of my relatives were here. And then there. Photo by Julie Seyler.

BY BOB SMITH

As I approach 60, I can’t help but speculate about how I’m going to leave this world. It’s not a morbid preoccupation, but a simple fact of life. As my generation grows older, more and more of us will die.

I’m fortunate to have been born into a large family. My father was one of nine children, and my mother, incredibly, was one of 21. Of course, there were two mothers in that family – my maternal grandfather had 10 or 11 children with his first wife, who was the oldest in a family of five girls. When she died (in childbirth, of course), he went back to Italy, married her youngest sister, and brought his new wife back to the United States where she bore him 10 or 11 more kids.

As Dad used to say: “He shoulda bought a TV.”

So now, as my aunts and uncles reach their 80s, and beyond, I’m learning what tends to kill my closest relatives. My generation’s on deck, and barring a catastrophic accident, there’s a pretty good chance that what’s killing them will also kill me.

First, my father’s side: Claiming primarily Irish lineage, they were talkers and jokers and partiers. True to stereotype, there seem to be an inordinate number of heavy drinkers among his siblings.

Take Dad’s older brother, Uncle Warren, a barrel-chested career cop who chain-smoked unfiltered Camel cigarettes, and drank Boilermakers (a shot of rye whiskey with a beer chaser). In his 60s, he got cancer of the larynx, and they removed his voicebox. The summer after his operation, Warren got an electrolarynx, a battery-operated device that resembles a microphone. You hold it up under your chin, and it vibrates to allow you to form robotic, but discernible words. Uncle Warren came to a backyard barbeque with Aunt Margie, a conservative ultra-religious woman, and used the electrolarynx to alternately tell jokes and goose his mortified wife.

About a year later, he developed cancer of everything and died at 68.

Dad’s youngest sister, Madeline, was diagnosed with liver cancer at age 64. The disease was swift and merciless, and she wasted to a frail shadow of herself before she died six months later. Dad died at 76 of congestive heart failure after a failed operation to repair a faulty valve. Uncle Bob, Dad’s younger brother and my namesake, died of lung cancer at 79. He briefly went through lung removal, and the indignity of chemotherapy, but still died within two summers of being diagnosed. Decades of heavy smoking, and heavier drinking, didn’t help any of them.

Dad’s oldest brother, Artie, died in his late 70s in a head-on collision as he drove the wrong way on a one-way street leaving an airport. There was no indication that drugs or alcohol were involved in the crash. Uncle Artie, the sweetest guy in the world, had spent years as a commercial pilot on transatlantic flights without a single incident. Uncle Norton, the next oldest brother and a heavy drinker for years, died of heart failure at 81.

So the score on my Dad’s side of the family: One brother, 80, and two sisters, in their late 60s/early 70s, still living and in good health. Cause of death for the six deceased siblings: Cancer (3), heart disease (2), accident (1).

My Mom’s side of the family is a different story. At 86, Mom thankfully has no serious life-threatening ailments. She does have creeping dementia, and takes medication for blood pressure and whatnot, but physically, she’s pretty much fine. Her older sister, Louise, died at age 90-something of old-age onset breast cancer. Her brother, Billy, died at 80-something of old-age onset kidney failure. Her father died in his 80s of old-age-onset diabetes. Another sister died of old-age-onset, period – at 98 or so, she just stopped breathing. Lots of them are still around, and getting older all the time. You get the picture.

So from my Dad’s side it looks like cancer or heart disease are good bets, but I don’t smoke or drink heavily so maybe I’m improving those odds. Thankfully, I look more like my mother’s side of the family. In fact, Mom says I look a lot like her dad (of the two wives and kids in litters), which gives me hope. If it weren’t for menopause, I suppose that might also give my wife (or her younger sister) jitters, but they’ll get over it.

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Easter: Pagans, Peeps, Good Eggs, and a Bad Bunny

29 Friday Mar 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Easter, Easter Bunny, Men, Santa Claus, The Write Side of 50, Tooth fairy, Ēostre

EB 3

To me, the Easter Bunny is not a good egg.

BY BOB SMITH

The Bible, apparently, doesn’t discuss Easter in any detail. Or Christmas, for that matter. In fact, some believe the holiday is derived from a Pagan tradition that long predates Christ, and celebrates the spring equinox and gods or goddesses associated with that event (one of whom, apparently, was named “Eostre”). They say fertility symbols of eggs and rabbits (who reproduce like bunnies, because, duh, they are bunnies) are associated with Easter because of that pagan celebration of the renewal of life in the spring. And, of course, the Bible never mentions bunnies, baskets of chocolate, or hard-boiled colored eggs, either.

So who came first – the Christians or the eggs? Who knows. My problem is with the Easter Bunny, because for my kids, he (or she) killed Santa Claus. That’s right. There were three fictitious characters in our house: the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny, and the big kahuna – Santa Claus himself. Our kids never really believed in the tooth fairy, who had no persona at all. There was just money appearing under their pillows in place of an icky tooth they didn’t want anyway. It was an easy fiction for ready cash. But we invested a bit more in the other two characters.

We had told our kids all about Santa, and his rich, phony background: a home (North Pole), a cool vehicle (flying sleigh), and a demanding, high-profile career (running the most sophisticated, well-hidden, toy manufacturing/distribution operation on the planet). But the Easter Bunny? No home, and no vehicle of any kind. The Easter Bunny just hops around looking cute. Unlike Santa, the Easter Bunny doesn’t make anything – it merely distributes store-bought chocolate and jelly beans provided, presumably, by Mom and Dad. Santa had an amazing posse – flying reindeer and a legion of devoted elves. But the Easter Bunny’s peeps? Peeps. Chunks of marshmallow-ish fluff, coated with gritty pink sugar, that masquerades as candy.

Because it had such a thin cover story, our kids quickly dismissed the Easter Bunny as a myth. And it wasn’t long before that suspicion tainted and finally toppled Santa, too. Thanks for nothing, Easter Bunny.

Just keep that chocolate coming.

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My 1964 Ford Galaxie: A “Great White Boat” of a Car

20 Wednesday Mar 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Ford Galaxie, Men, The Write Side of 50

a Ford under a galaxy of stars

A Ford under a galaxy of stars. By Julie Seyler.

BY BOB SMITH

In 1973, when I was 18, I got my first car: a white 1964 four-door Ford Galaxie 500 sedan that weighed in at nearly 4000 pounds. My then-girlfriend’s uncle gave it to me for nothing, and expressed great regret at having to part with such a fine vehicle. Unca Cholly, as he was affectionately known, was moving up to something better – probably a Pontiac – but he wanted the Galaxie to have a good home.

I was your stereotypical rambunctious 18 year old, determined to define myself as boldly independent of my parents. However, as a college student living at home with only a part-time summer job, I wasn’t going to turn into James Bond overnight. So the Galaxie was my key to the world – given enough gas and time, that car could take me virtually anywhere, and in my feverish imaginings, it did. But the reality was somewhat different.

First, it rode like a monstrous marshmallow. After a couple of cushy trips around the block, my brother christened it The Great White Boat. But make no mistake – it had lots of positive features too:

Real chrome bumpers you could use to open a beer bottle (so I heard).

A back seat as big as a small sofa. Out of deference to her Unca Cholly my girlfriend refused to explore its potential with me, but it did serve the purpose with some of my friends, and their less restrained dates, as I played the discreetly aloof chauffeur.

Triangular side vent windows in front that were perfect for flicking the ash off the end of your cigarette without having to open the whole window and risk sending unwelcome sparks into the back seat.

A steering wheel the size of a hula hoop, and power steering so light you could make turns with one finger.

A cavernous trunk Goodfellas (or their acquaintances delinquent in payments on the vig) would die for.

Then there were the negatives:

Primitive sound – AM radio with one oval dashboard speaker. The “latest”- an eight track tape player – had not been installed in this vehicle.

Pointy chrome gear selector and turn signal stems that were puncture
wounds waiting to happen. (By 1973, the automakers had wised up, and started putting blunt plastic knobs at the ends so if you rammed into the windshield wiper control in an accident you’d get a nasty bruise but no perforation.)

Rudimentary lap belts (front seat only) that would tear your torso in half in any collision over 40 mph, but might spare you from being skewered by the turn signal.

Miles per gallon in the high single digits on the highway going downhill with a tailwind. Plus the seals were bad, so it took a quart of oil every week and trailed a bilious white cloud everywhere it went.
The transmission was starting to slip, and the brakes were so low you floored the pedal and prayed at every stop sign.
And the insurance on that nine-year-old tank was more than any part-time job could support.

I think it took me five months – one glorious summer and into the fall – before I realized I couldn’t afford the gas, oil, seals, brakes, transmission, or insurance needed to keep the boat afloat. It sat for a month on my parents’ front lawn, a monument to my hopes of freedom, while I scraped around trying to figure out a way to save it. No one wanted to buy it, not even Unca Cholly, despite his misty-eyed reminiscences about its former glory.

Actually I suspect he was glad to have unloaded it on me to spare him the pain of having to finally put the car to rest. Which I did, one chilly October day when I paid fifty bucks to have it towed away to be cannibalized for parts. My next car was a used Japanese econobox that was a lot easier on my wallet, but woefully short on dreams.

"Bob behind the wheel"  Mixed media drawing .

“Bob behind the wheel” Mixed media drawing by Julie Seyler.

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A Snapshot of Mom’s Old Brown Box Camera

12 Tuesday Mar 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Men

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Men, The Write Side of 50

Bob - camera

BY BOB SMITH

I remember as a boy, playing in the snow with my big brother. Bulky as astronauts, we wore heavy coats, wool hats, mittens and insulated boots. There was a foot of snow in our front yard and we were trying to roll up a ball big enough to form the base of a snowman. But the day was too cold; the snow too dry. And we couldn’t get anything that big to stick together. The most we could manage was snowballs, which broke apart as soon as we threw them at each other’s heads.

Mom came outside, and asked us to pose for a picture. Hanging from a strap around her neck was a Kodak Duaflex IV camera, which consisted of a brown cardboard box (with leather-textured surface) with two lenses on the front, facing the subject – one on top for framing the picture, and one below that, with the shutter behind it, where the film would be exposed to capture the image. You lined up a shot by looking straight down through the square viewfinder on top.

“Come on boys, let me get you!”

We paused our snowball war, panting puffy clouds, and faced Mom. When you looked at the camera you could see her upside-down image in the viewfinder lens. She smiled and, as she centered us, she also centered her face, topsy-turvy and fluid, in that rounded frame. Jimmy rested his snow-crusted mitten on my shoulder.

“Okay: 1…2…3…smile!”

She squeezed the button on the side of the box, the lens snicked, and it was done. Mom rolled the metal wheel on the side of the camera to advance the film for another shot, posing us side by side, with shovels jammed into the snow like soldiers with rifles at parade rest. We smiled again at inverted Mom as she snapped the picture, and she went back inside.

That camera came out for every holiday, too. My brothers and sisters and I would be grouped on the couch, giggling, with our hands folded politely in our laps. Someone at the last second (usually Jimmy) would raise two-finger rabbit ears behind someone’s head, or jab an elbow to give the shot extra pizzazz. Because it was indoors, Mom used the flash, which consisted of a silver saucer-like reflector on a plastic battery compartment that screwed onto the side of the camera. Each flashbulb, approximately the size of a ping-pong ball, had a fuzzy maze of blue filaments inside. You had to press and turn the bulb into the hole in the middle of the reflector and eject it so it could be replaced after each shot.

When Mom pushed the button, the flashbulb would explode with a sound like one of the last kernels in the pan turning into popcorn. The brilliant light blinded us briefly, and we would wander around the room in a happy daze, closing our eyes to relish the moonlike afterimage floating across our field of vision.

You never knew what the pictures looked like until they came back from the camera store after being developed, when Mom would paste them into albums. The prints had a scalloped edge with a quarter inch white border, where Mom would include notations like “Easter 1965,” or “Bobby three and a half, Barbara two,” written in careful script just like the “correct” examples in my penmanship textbook.

A few years later, Kodak came out with Instamatic cameras that didn’t have a viewfinder, and featured a built-in flash that didn’t require you to replace a bulb every time you took a shot. There was no popping noise, and the flash was more diffuse so we didn’t get the floating moon afterimage either. We still had to pose and smile but not having mom’s wobbly face in the lens facing you, inviting you inside, took some of the romance out of having our pictures taken.

That Duaflex IV may have been a cheap low-tech camera, but as they say in the credit card commercials – the memories are priceless.

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A Sneak Peek at Boy Scout Memories From a Non-Scout

05 Tuesday Mar 2013

Posted by WS50 in Confessional, Men

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, Boy Scouts of America, confessional, Girl Scouts of America, Men, The Write Side of 50

Boys checking out scouts.  Collage by Julie Seyler

Boys checking out scouts. Collage by Julie Seyler

BY BOB SMITH

Scouting made a big impression on me during grade school and high school, but not in the ways you might think. In the early 1960s, when we were about 10, my brother Jim and I wanted to join the Boy Scouts of America, but Dad wouldn’t allow it. He was convinced that once we joined, they would expect him to attend evening meetings, chaperone weekend trips, and generally participate in our lives in a personal, up-close way. He said it would force him to quit his part-time job (which the family could ill afford), but we suspected it was as much because spending quality time teaching us wilderness survival skills might cramp his drinking habit.

So my brother Jim and I would sneak around the church where they held the meetings, and peek in the windows to see if we could find out what the Boy Scouts were up to. One night, we saw a group of boys gathered around someone’s father in the meeting room behind the church. The scouts had pivoted open a stained glass half-window for air, leaving a wide five-inch gap that gave us a clear view of the floor. They all wore matching khaki shirts and dark shorts with kerchiefs around their necks fastened with a gold Boy Scout cinch. Some of them wore military-style cloth caps, and even the grownup wore a neckerchief. He was holding a length of nylon rope, and appeared to be demonstrating how to tie knots.

“That’s bullshit. They’re just tyin’ and untyin’ that rope,” Jimmy whispered, his nose on the stone sill.

“Yeah. Look at the scarf on that guy. Dad would never wear that.”

“No kiddin,” Jim agreed. “Buncha assholes.”

“Hey – what are you doing there?” The leader snapped as he walked briskly to the window, and slammed it shut.

Frantic, Jimmy and I scrambled out of the bushes and ran as fast as we could before a gang of scouts could pour out of the church like angry bees bent on testing their night tracking techniques. They never caught us, and we never went back. And we gave up asking for Dad’s permission to enlist. A few years later, the smartest girl in my high school class (let’s call her Eleanor) started wearing her Girl Scout uniform to school. This was a serious uniform – the kelly green beret with a pert nipple tip in the middle, starched matching denim shirt and sash festooned with handicrafts patches, and plaid pleated skirt. She rounded out the ensemble with clunky schoolmarm shoes, eyeglasses with pointed tips at the sides, and the coup de grace: white anklets with the day of the week script-stitched across the top. Crowds of sniggering kids, pointing and shaking their heads in amazement, would part like the Red Sea as Eleanor strode confidently down the hall, geek to the max. Apparently oblivious to the scorn and derision of the entire high school, she wore that outfit one day every week right through the end of twelfth grade. I secretly admired the incredible confidence it must’ve taken to do that, despite our relentless jeers. When I saw Eleanor at a recent reunion and mentioned her Girl Scout outfits with weekday anklets, she totally shrugged it off.

“Yeah. If you didn’t like it, you didn’t have to look,” she laughed. “Unless you weren’t sure what day it was.”

To this day, she remains a paragon of the I-don’t-give-a-crap-what-anyone-thinks merit badge, which is probably a sign of true genius. On the other hand, my brother and I still can’t tie a decent knot.





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My Mom’s Dementia: Foggy Memory, Charred Pots, and a Cheshire Smile

25 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Dementia, Men, The Write Side of 50

Nana final

Art by Abby Smith.

BY BOB SMITH

Mom, now 86, is still physically robust. Granted, she’s unsteady on stairs and can’t lift anything heavier than a magazine or cup of tea, but her appetite is great. She even enjoys a glass or two of wine with dinner. Mom had always been cheerful and optimistic, too. And she still is. But her mind is slowly, but surely, fading away – lost in the encroaching fog of dementia.

When her short-term memory first started to fail, she would become agitated because she knew she had once remembered the name of that green stuff on her plate, and was frustrated at finding herself unable to identify it as broccoli. But as she slid deeper into decline, she found peace because the fact of how much she actually used to know was itself a lost memory.

We first noticed Mom’s dementia when she moved in with us a few years after Dad died. She insisted on cooking dinner, but routinely boiled vegetables until they were liquefied, and added so much butter to mashed potatoes that they were the color of daffodils. Once or twice every week, she would completely boil away all the water in the pot, and leave the vegetables cooking until they burnt onto the bottom of the pan.

Once it became clear she couldn’t handle cooking dinner anymore, we started telling her it was “cook’s day off,” and that we would prepare dinner for her – or buy takeout. Whatever. Just so she wasn’t tempted to put food in pots and fire up the burners.

But although we told her she couldn’t cook dinner, we figured it was O.K. for her to make her own tea. I would make sure the kettle was full of water before I left in the morning to ensure she wouldn’t put the flame under an empty pot. This worked reasonably well for a while, but then one Saturday I discovered her at the table drinking a glass of cold, whitish water.

“What are you doing, Ma?”

“Having a cup of tea, what do you think?”

“There’s no teabag. And it’s not hot.”

“Oh. Must’ve forgot,” she shrugged, and drank the milky water anyway.

Then one afternoon my son came downstairs, and the house reeked of gas. He discovered a full kettle on the stove with the burner turned on full blast, but no flame. He shut off the gas, opened all the windows, and found Nana in her room off the kitchen, fast asleep.

The next level: We taped a handwritten sign at eye level over the stove that read, “STOVE BROKEN, DO NOT USE.” We would reinstall the knobs in the evening so we could use the burners to make dinner, but leave the sign up for the next day to avoid having to re-tape it over and over. The combination of the missing knobs and the explicit sign convinced Mom that the stove was off limits.

After a few days, however, she grew impatient – and she wasn’t stupid.

“The sign says the stove’s broken,” Mom said as she watched me sauteing onions for
dinner.

“Yeah, Mom – it is. I just managed to get this burner working for now.”

“It’s been busted a while now.”

I silently stirred, hoping the conversation would end there.

“Public Service’ll fix that, you know. Give em a call.”

“I did call – they haven’t come yet,” I lied.

“Goddamn PSE&G. They make you pay enough. They can’t come when you call?”

“Damn those utility companies. Hey, how about a glass of wine?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” she laughed.

Mom is now living with my sister where she can be supervised all day, and her decline continues. Because of her good nature, she’s going cheerful into that good night. But like the Cheshire Cat, she’s fading out, and soon all that’s left will be her smile.

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Law Practice: Shining Shoes, Lugging Golf Clubs and Hauling Garbage

18 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by Lois DeSocio in Confessional, Men

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, Men, The Write Side of 50

Bob lawyer

The young lawyer. Photo courtesy Bob Smith.

BY BOB SMITH
I’ve been practicing law for almost 30 years, and am now a partner in the intellectual property group of a large New Jersey law firm. Though the path to my legal career was paved with menial jobs, I learned something from every one of them.

Coming from Cresskill, an affluent Bergen County community that had at least four country clubs within a five-mile radius, I had a lot of golf-centric jobs in high school: caddie, locker room shoeshine guy, and finally, greenskeeper.  Being a caddie taught me a lot about golf – how to play it well (at least in theory, as I never learned to play well myself), the reassuring fact that most people play quite poorly, and the surprising fact that, regardless of how prestigious or well-respected the player, he or she is often not above cheating in order to win.

As a shoeshine guy in the locker room I learned that fat old guys, no matter how rich, still look pathetic and saggy with their clothes off. And as a greenskeeper, I learned how peaceful it is to walk the course in the predawn darkness, sweeping the greens with a long bamboo pole to knock the dewdrops down so they don’t burn the delicate grass when the sun comes up.

the back of a garbage truck

Riding the back of a garbage truck afforded life lessons. Photo by Julie Seyler.

Then, during my last two summers in college I became a garbageman. I hauled smelly barrels of trash through the backyards of some of the finest homes in Tenafly. I learned many things at that job, including that people often threw away perfectly edible cookies and cakes; that if you drank too many of the free beers available in the summertime you lost all ambition (it took twice as long to finish the route), and that if a mass of rice in the trash was wriggling, it wasn’t rice at all.

I also learned what it meant to be invisible. One day I was on the back of the truck with one arm hooked in the metal grab bar, carelessly swinging back and forth with the rhythm of the ride as the truck swung around turns and jounced over bumps.  I was watching a well-dressed guy in a white shirt and tie who was driving behind us, drinking coffee and glancing at his watch and trying to see if he could somehow pass the lumbering truck.  I was smiling at him and gesturing with my free hand for him to slow down; lighten up, but he looked right through me.  I didn’t exist in his world.

Then the truck braked suddenly, the air brakes exploding with a series of percussive hisses as the driver pumped them to make us stop. I was pulled back against the arm hook, toward the front of the truck, but I kept my eye on Mr. Executive, who was deep into his coffee and didn’t notice our rapid deceleration.  I waved again, screaming at him at the top of my lungs to stop. At the last second, he looked up, saw the back of the truck approaching too fast, and jammed on his brakes.

His car screeched to a stop, maybe a foot short of the blunt metal edge of the truck’s hopper – one more second of inattention, and he would have gone right under us.  The roof of his car, not to mention his head, probably would have been ripped off.  I could see the pulse of a near-death adrenaline jolt in the wide-eyed shock on his face.

He glanced at me, and I smiled, raising my hands and eyebrows in a “close call” acknowledgment, expecting him to laugh. But he completely ignored me, turning back to his coffee as if I wasn’t there.

A few years later, becoming a lawyer was a fairly easy choice: clean, good-paying, indoor work where people usually acknowledged and valued your existence.  Usually.

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Sunday Service: “Mass” Dipping in the Flu Pond

07 Thursday Feb 2013

Posted by WS50 in Confessional, Men

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Bob Smith, confessional, flu season, Men, Sunday mass, The Write Side of 50

noses and mouths and hands oh my fly around the font at St Agnes Church

Noses and mouths and hands (oh my!) fly around the font at St Agnes Church. Photo collage by Julie Seyler.

BY BOB SMITH

With the flu at epidemic levels, and as I edge closer to the “over 65” at-risk age group, I’ve become a lot more careful. Of course, I’ve been getting the flu shot – and not the flu – for the last 10 years. But there’s always a chance. So I also obsessively wash my hands, like Lady Macbeth, twelve times a day, and avoid sick people – which includes skipping the infection festival at Sunday mass.

The facts: flu virus can survive on surfaces for anywhere from a few minutes up to 48 hours or more. It also tends to live longer on hard nonporous surfaces, and it thrives in wet environments.

Glued to the wall next to every door in our church is a stone finger bowl filled with holy water. As worshipers enter, they dip the potentially germ-smeared fingers of their right hands into the water and bless themselves by dabbing their foreheads and both shoulders. The font is hard, nonporous marble, and because of splashes or drips from sloppy blessers, the area around the bowl is always a wet environment. Essentially, the holy water fonts are flu ponds – grab a dose, anoint your face and body, and take a seat.

Another fun fact: It’s easy to catch the flu or a cold from rubbing your nose after handling an object an infected person sneezed on a few moments ago. But personal contact with an infected person — a handshake, for example — is the most common way these germs spread.

Guess what? Later in the service you’re expected to extend a sign of peace by shaking hands with the people surrounding you in your pew – who just a few minutes ago dipped the fingers of those hands into the flu ponds. Last week, as I dozed through the sermon, the woman directly behind me hacked and wheezed every couple of minutes – clearly an infected person. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her coughing into her right hand. When the “sign of peace” came, I simply ignored her. Let someone else give her peace by taking the flu off her germ-laden hands.

Then there’s the ritual of dispensing wafers that represent the body of Christ. Apart from the priest, the wafers are handed out by Eucharistic ministers – regular churchgoers who have been deputized to dispense communion. Given their dedication to service and the faith, I’m sure these good folks both dip in the flu pond upon entering church and enthusiastically glad-hand everybody in their pew during the sign of peace.

After all that infectious fun, they use that hand to pick up a wafer and place it in your palm. If you’re really old school, they’ll slap the wafer directly onto your outstretched tongue. Either way, I suspect that any flu virus hitchhiking on their hands will readily transfer over to you, and vice versa.

Finally, there’s the (hard, nonporous) silver goblet of wine offered to anyone that wants a sip after they eat the wafer. Fifteen people or more may take a swig before it’s your turn, so the server (another Eucharistic minister) passes a linen napkin across the damp rim of the goblet after each sip, presumably to wipe off germs. But after more than a dozen swipes, isn’t it just as likely to wipe germs onto the goblet as it is to wipe them off?

And do I trust the wine in the goblet to somehow disinfect the rim? Not really – the area below the rim isn’t coated with wine, it’s only been touched by the damp lips of devout sippers. As I look around the church, I ask myself: “Would I want to kiss all these people? No. Then why on earth would I drink from that cup?”

So I refuse to dip in the flu pond. During the sign of peace, I flash the peace sign from afar, and I entirely eschew communion and the goblet of germs. Better safe than holy.

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The Saturday Blog: Head to Head

02 Saturday Feb 2013

Posted by WS50 in Art

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Anthony Buccino, Art, Bob Smith, Frank Terranella, Julie Seyler, Lois DeSocio, Super Bowl, The Write Side of 50

Head to head

By Julie Seyler

It appears that all of us at The Write Side of 50 are neck and neck, and head to head, with ambivalence when it comes to tomorrow’s Super Bowl. Bob will be the life of the party, Anthony may be “fixing” a doorknob, Frank admits to being among the “men who hate the Super Bowl,” Julie has already turned the game into an art project (above), and Lois just loves a good game (and the accompanying party), and will jump on the bandwagon.

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